Just started following this thread. I'm an old timer. Used to spend lots of time here.
First of all, I'm sorry you're here.
So, from what I see you suspect your wife is having an affair. All the evidence seems to point this way.
Ok...so what do you want? A divorce? Do you want to save the marriage?
Here's a strategy that will work for either situation. 1-4 are universal. 5 and 6 and the forks in the road. Pardon the numbers, it help me organize my thoughts.
1) GAL, take care of yourself. You seem to be doing this.
2) Detach - well easier said than done. It's almost impossible to do that when your spouse is acting like a WAW and having an affair. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's natural to get obsessed by it. Try your best not to, but hey, I get it. Doing alpha-male sports that force "one-mind" activities like Boxing, Karate, MMA or Rock Climbing not only get you in shape, they make you bad-ass, get your mind off the situation even for a couple of hours. Activities that force you to concentrate and require lots of focus free up your mind from the drama.
3) See a lawyer ASAP. Know your rights, even if you don't want a divorce. Since you don't have kids, this doesn't look like it would be terribly complex. Usually 50/50. You both work.
4) Get evidence, just so you can be sure. Hire a private investigator. She's clearly having an EA, you need to know if it's a PA.
5) If you want a divorce, then file for one.
6) If you want to save your marriage, you probably need to get to the point in the book *The Divorce Remedy* they call the *last-resort technique*, then there's the *after the last resort technique* and finally *the ultimatum*. The advice threads here tend not to go there, and it's often that people go for months without confronting their spouse of an affair, or staying in the relationship while she knows that you know she's cheating. Start the last resort technique NOW. Why? For your sanity and self-respect. This is necessary when your WAW is having an affair. Once you have the evidence and want to save the marriage, it's time to confront and offer an ultimatum: Him or me. This is a show of alpha-strength and it's very attractive. And MWD recommends it, believe it or not. Read the book. In fact she recommends the more extreme strategies during affairs since 180's and GAL alone often don't have the power to shake a person off the fog of a an affair or a new romance with all the endorphins. You've tried that and it isn't working. These more extreme techniques don't get discussed on these boards.They may or may not work, but you need to be firm in your resolve. As you try to "nice" her back in the marriage while she's screwing another man, she loses respect for you and you'll end up getting screwed in the divorce. The last resort technique, the after the last resort technique and ultimatums are the clearest forms of detachment. It shows that you value yourself. It shows you have boundaries. When you offer the ultimatum, have your lawyer ready to file if she chooses the OM. Tell her you love her, want to stay married, and show her the evidence of the affair and tell her to choose NOW. She needs to end it with him, go into marriage therapy now, and get transferred to another company division, better yet another company. She must end all contact with him. Yeah - it's tough - but it she wants to save the marriage, she will. If she hems and haws and tries fake vs real remorse, then it's time to have your lawyer file. Letting this drag out will kill you emotionally and physically - the stress is too much. Pardon my French, but man-up, and fish or cut bait.
7) Again, I'm sorry you're here. I've been here. I made all the mistakes I'm warning you against.
