A Real Mess Pt.2

[si13]

Didn't know that Mother's Day would hold so many interesting dynamics. What an wild weekend!!!!

I made sure that my wife felt very celebrated (by my kids) but I left a very pursuing element out of the equation this year. I did get her a gift (from the kids), I did sign the card but it was very neutral.

We had some conversations this weekend that led me to believe that my W is somewhere in between WAW and MLC.

There was one point in our time when I mentioned her 39th birthday in conversation. She mumbled something about her 30s being gone and what did she have to show, a waste, etc. I usually tried to rescue and reassure her with something like this, but I didn't say anything in return.

We had a pretty heated conversation on Sunday night in which I could have done a better job being direct with a request to help with the kids dinner. I think in some ways she feels like reparations are due to her because of my "abuse" but we are 18 months into that repair already. I was feeling pretty resentful this weekend as she just got to do not much of anything.

This at point got us to what is she trying to accomplish right now - she told me 3 weeks ago she wants a D but won't be going anywhere until she has the "perfect" job. I expressed that I wasn't really satisfied with that.

We somehow got around to whether her heart was open to reconciling. She basically said she wanted to find her voice, louder than mine, louder than her parents, louder than any influence. I remained quiet, but validated. At no point did I try and convince we could do it or how there have been changes. Matter of fact our kids kind of came in to the room so I said we should talk later - THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE AS I WANTED TO GET AN ANSWER THAT SHE'LL STAY.

In a roundabout way she said she was unsure what she wanted, couldn't guarantee any outcome and didn't want expectation.

I suppose this is better than going forward with D plans, and to some degree I can see the DBing is creating a much different atmosphere.

She couldn't believe that I didn't tell her that I had lunch with my cousin on Friday (random thing), but she seemed shocked I didn't tell her right away. She then asked, does this mean I can go out to lunch and not tell you about it? I replied, totally ok with me.

The space has given me time to heal a lot more. Time to catch my breath and not so caught up in what she is doing.

It is pretty clear to me she is still really confused - I know she talked to her parents on Sunday which is the first time in 3 weeks. She was on the phone for probably an hour so i'm assuming they know the scoop now. And if I know them they likely cautioned her on her plans of uncertainty, which is probably why she mentioned their opinion in wanting to hear their voice.

Good day all. Stay close to your faith.