Yes, I also need to STFU and validate a lot, I agree completely! It's hard when you've read a lot and thought a lot about these issues to just have your spouse wading in and causing chaos instead of listening to you, but I can see it's not helpful. I have been trying hard to keep a lid on Expert Mode and to not offer advice. Occasionally he does take positive suggestions, like last week when dh came home before me and I suggested a few days earlier that he took the kids to play pitch and putt and they all really enjoyed it. I don't criticise his behaviour with the kids (I might have done that once), but I do feel sad that he doesn't prioritise them, he doesn't hear that from me though, I know he's doing the best he can given his work life. I don't criticise his drinking but I cannot support it. At best I can try to ignore it unless it affects me. I think that yes, he doesn't want me to sit there looking disapproving while he gets drunk with his colleagues. In the past I might have got drunk with them, so the disapproval isn't a longstanding thing, but he might take my recent moderation of alcohol as a slight on his drinking, definitely. I used to be an annoying drunk who would embarrass him sometimes (I'm talking years ago, not recently) so I can't win either way there. I do disapprove of his work habits because it's very hard not to feel like he chose work instead of his family. That's the one resentment I find it impossible to get over (for now).
Thank you for pointing that out, I have a long way to go as well. And maybe I should try being more supportive instead of actively not critical? In the meantime I will keep on validating, I wasn't doing that about the medical stuff yesterday though I did on the phone.
I agreed to meet him for lunch on Thursday after all, it just seemed like too much hassle to get out of it and too glaringly avoiding him. He also said he will join me for a race in a few weeks' time so that was a 180 for him. Don't think I will see him Sunday though unless he comes up with a better plan.
