It's really really difficult. They both put me in the middle fairly often - though less often than when we all lived together - and I don't know how to respond. When Eldest made H a cake last week, and H was a bit graceless about it, Eldest was upset in the kitchen and I was saying something along the lines of 'he's just really tired - you've got to bear in mind how hard he's working at the moment' and my inner self was going 'that's rubbish - he could have pasted on a smile and said thank you and looked enthusiastic for two minutes' and H wasn't happy either and told me off for patronising and making excuses for him. I got so anxious in the end I just left the house - which did help me though I am not sure it really helped anyone else. So I can't win. I think being more silent around this sort of dynamic is needed.
We only had that one session of family therapy. H left early when she challenged him on how obstructive he was being. I asked for her suggestions - which I am implementing - and she emailed me afterwards basically saying she thought therapy between H and I would be useful, or between H and Eldest, but not all together as yet.
I don't think anything will change between Eldest and H unless H is ready to show some gentleness and humility. And he's not. So I am trying to work out how to co-parent positively given the situation as it is.
