I think it is complex too. I don't think turning him into a two dimensional monster is any more accurate than turning me into a two dimensional victim - though that was a strongly entrenched part of our dynamic and I am changing that. He was not always the way he is now. Neither was I. Which means change is possible, and I am going to change for the better.
I have some questions about the best thing to do regarding co-parenting. There's a long standing problem with Eldest, who is very challenging at times. Eldest feels that H favours Youngest, who personality wise, is much more compliant and sunny natured and eager to please and much more like H in interests. Eldest tends to be highly strung and anxious, and this manifests in some angry flareups. I've contributed unhelpfully here by letting Eldest get away with a LOT of poor behaviour and disrespect. I don't think I really saw how much of a doormat I was being, nor how my letting him get away with disrespect towards H and how that made H feel impacted on my marriage, so this is also a 180 for me though my focus here is on good co-parenting rather than anything to do with R.
At the moment, Eldest is in counselling and I am also doing some new parenting methods with boundaries and consequences and added responsibilities that I agreed with H at our family therapy session. I am also making sure to spend some positive one on one time with Eldest as often as I can. It is working. Eldest is calmer, talking to me more, and seems less reactive around certain hot-button issues like homework and chores around the house. Or at least, he is with me. He will still over-react and speak really disrespectfully to H now and again - and instead of H dealing with this using the boundaries and methods that we have agreed, he will often use pretty sarcastic and nasty language. I don't like this, but I can see he's feeling provoked. Which is no excuse.
I am not sure what to do in situations like this. I don't want to engage H in any discussions about his parenting or his relationship with Eldest. It is fruitless. He is very sensitive to perceived criticism and is more interested in rehashing the fact he believes it is all my fault rather than participating in positive solutions for going forward. I'm not having conversations like that with him any more. I can empathise a lot with Eldest's feelings here: H is pretty unpleasant sometimes, and he doesn't show Eldest the care and attention and affection he shows to Youngest, but he isn't abusive toward him. At times Eldest has made gestures that have been clearly to do with seeking attention and love and approval from H, and he's neither not noticed them, or been unwilling or unable to respond with warmth. From the outside, I think if he could apologise for lapses in his temper and stick to the boundaries we've agreed most of the time, while also giving Eldest some love and attention, things would improve immeasurably. But he's not there, and my nagging at him isn't going to get him there. So I need some actions to take to co-parent well - rather than conversations to have with H, as that doesn't work.
What I've done so far:
given Eldest consequences if I hear him speak to H disrespectfully and it doesn't look like H is going to give the consequences himself emphasised to Eldest that while I understand how he feels, and that he is entitled to his feelings and opinions, and that I will always listen (and I will) we all need to be responsible for our own behaviour and he needs to focus on his own when Eldest complains to me about the way H speaks to him, I say a) H doesn't have to be a perfect parent to deserve respect b) he needs to speak to H directly if he is upset by something he has done and c) he needs to look at his own part in the dynamic - H is withdrawn from Eldest but is generally only reactive as a response to disrespect from Eldest when Eldest lies or exaggerates something that H has done or said I challenge him on it. When Eldest responds badly to a request from H when I know he'd respond peacefully to the same request from me, I pull him up on it.
I don't want to triangulate between them. I don't want to manipulate. I don't want to be co-dependent or enabling. I am not sure what the right thing to do here is. The therapist suggested it was best for Eldest if strong boundaries were put in place and I made sure that Eldest knew it was not okay to disrespect H. She also said H needed to be calm and make sure there was positive contact in their relationship. I can only do my bit.
