The aftermath - OrangeK

[OrangeK]

I've been looking inward a lot lately. I think I relapsed into a bit of snooping and having more conversations with her than I needed to because the restraining order she had against me expired and I think I maybe subconsciously I was expecting something to be different when that happened but the last week or so has reminded me why my hope that things might be different was a fruitless one. As S4 continues to have issues in school with his behavior it is they plainly obvious that she will lie about even the most trivial of things. she has lied about things she has done with us for as well as receiving documents from the school that she claimed she never got that I know was given to her in hand. S4 has more had more to say about this new guy. If anything wasn't evidence enough that she will never change it is the fact that she is yet again doing the same thing she did to me except now she's doing them to om. I went through my computer this weekend and deleted the last few remaining things of our past. For some reason I had had a hard time getting rid of our wedding photo album. Never deleted it in the past. No need for it now, it has been consigned to the recycle bin as well as blocking her on all social media for good and all. I think the season has something to do with it as well, spring always makes me think of new life and new things and I always feel loneliness most acutely in the spring. for a long time I was torn between wanting to have conversations with her sometimes out of nostalgia and other times out of looking for some angle or reason for karma to be taking its place. I don't know how things are really going on her end but I don't think they're going well but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. but my finances have been tough as well I am looking into getting a second job to help ease the burden. taking a concerted effort at quitting smoking again. I will be getting my Forge set up so that will provide some crafts and gal activity as well as exercise. I feel as though I have taken far longer to recover from this type of life event as other people seem to take but perhaps that's just because I was so deeply invested in the idea of my family and spending the rest of my life with them. It still irks me to hear about things that S4 is accomplishing that I do not get to witness or activities that he gets taken to do that I do not get to participate in. I never ever ever wanted a divorced household for my child but that is the reality of my situation and I'm going to make the best of a crappy one. I had to pretty much convinced her to spend time with her own child on Mother's Day after she took off for the weekend leaving me to watch S4 on her weekend well she was off with her new om. Goes to show where her priorities are, and at the end of the day that's not the type of wife that I want. a materialistic person who is addicted to limerence and admiration it's not going to be a healthy partner or parent in a long-term. I feel like a fool for having this affect me as long as it has but I'm a hopeless romantic who wears his heart on his sleeve so I guess it's to be expected. I know that if I spend time on myself improving myself the laws of fate and attraction will bring a woman into my life that is deserving of myself and S4. next time I hike a mountain I plan to leave the last vestiges of my pain in the cold morning air and walk back down to sea level with a clean conscience and a light heart