Here's my dream, my hope, my prayer (I'm sure everyone has it when starting): The W/H is unhappy and pushed over the edge by "something". Maybe it's the job, maybe it's life in general, maybe they are a bomb that was going to go off no matter what. Who knows. (I subscribe to the bomb that will go off no matter what at this point). The W/H is suffering on the inside, and yes they have to go thru this process on their own.
What I have noticed is there are two different people at work in my W's body. There's the "remnant" of the old..... remnant because it's all busted up and isn't functioning properly. There are glimpses of clarity, but mostly it's a shadow of what it once was. Then there's the "new whatever" it is. It's cold, unhappy, hateful, self-loathing. The "remnant" is losing.... it's tired and weak. The "new whatever" is going to win, it's just a matter of time and what pressures strengthen it until it reaches dominance. That's what the detachment here is attempting to do(IMO).... deprive the H/W's "new whatever" of negative strength it needs to survive, and strengthen the good spouse at the same time so they can hold on and also attempt to attract the attention of the "remnant H/W" so it can wake up and try to reassert control. The cake eating isn't you talking to your H/W, you're being played by the "new whatever". It's evil, it hates you, it's toying with you. It isn't your H/W. That's why people keep saying "Don't believe anything it says, only believe half of what it does". I think there's something else to that on a spiritual level.
The real break and death of the M is when the "new whatever" wins and becomes the primary personality. That's when the real A (or A's) happens. That's when the LBS gives up. That's when the M is dead forever. Now the "new whatever" is smart..... what tricks us is it's been there, working before showing it's hand.... gaining that foothold. That's why we get blindsided, that's why we don't know it's there until it's out of control. (IMO)
The main concern I have (and I assume most have) is what I've read says a (W)MLC lasts typically 2-5 years and then the process is over. The "remnant" returns, has remorse and shame.... and may or may not reconnect (Issues: Pride, Shame, Unforgivable) .... but "Remnant" was there the whole time, just overshadowed. And the "Remnant" has taken damage. It isn't the same after all this, how could it? It watched itself destroy everything and throw what it cared about most into the garbage.
Now what can snap them out??? If what is left of the original person is in there, watching to some extent..... of course changes can be noticed. The "new whatever" will hate the changes (it wants to stay in control), but it's not the sole occupant of the vessel. I've seen a vid on YouTube from a MLC'er who confirms it. It doesn't make it easy for them to snap out, but it does mean they are fighting with themselves like a Schizophrenic or Bi-Polar. How else do they dip high and then dip low? Can the cycle be be interrupted? Well we know a full break can help (D), but by then the LBS has quit and the H/W wakes up to a reality where all is lost. We can sort of simulate D by doing a perfect detachment and hope it spooks them to the same effect.
Hi SoloFlex - reading up on your situation. So sorry you are here, but there are great people here
I have often wondered the same thing about my W, what you describe above is very nearly what I have experienced in the past 8 months with my W. There are glimpses of who she really is, interspersed with the changed version or "new whatever", as you put it. I have been able to determine that during these times W is living exclusively through her pain, extremely negative energy force that consumes everything during those moments. And she is directing that energy almost exclusively at myself (some at her sister).
For me, at this point the MR doesnt matter anymore. I cant go back and wouldn't want to. What I ca do is protect myself while she determines her own best way forward, whatever that looks like.
The only way to defeat this negative influx of energy overwhelming her is with love. And for each of us, because our situations are all unique, we have to figure out how to show our S's love. For me right now, temporarily, its giving her space, and it's not being there to take the hits when she lashes out.
In time you will determine the best way to deal with your W's situation. My best wishes to you!
