The question of abuse is a very complex one, my husband has also behaved in some abusive ways too, but sometimes it's not abuse but a complicated dynamic between two people where one person behaves badly and the other person accepts it (that's not victim blaming, it's acknowledging a system with two people which can spiral into negativity). I do agree that you can be on his side by not tolerating poor or disrespectful behaviour, but you're also on your own side there too. I have similar feelings about wanting to both help my husband be a better man as he professes to want to be (if he's capable of change) as well as putting a stop to poor treatment. Understanding where that poor behaviour comes from doesn't excuse it, some behaviour is never acceptable and it seems like we are both learning how to refuse to be victims here.
And yes you are strong, those mixed feelings are challenging to sit with but they are also normal. I think it takes more strength to go through those feelings than it does to take action to end a marriage. Leaving the door open is harder than slamming it shut, because it leaves you vulnerable.
