It’s been over a week since I’ve checked in, although I’ve been reading here and there. I think that might signify I’ve finally turned a corner. The corner of what? Well, perhaps detachment. Whatever you call it, I’m relieved.
I’ve done lots with my kids, get together with friends regularly, am planning 3 trips, and am looking forward to camping with D19 next weekend. S21 goes back to college today. He FINALLY allowed me to help him with him resume. Now I see why he probably didn’t land an internship this summer. But, he’s on the right track now. I asked H last weekend if he would help him get a nice professional headshot. So, he came over and did that. I was glad. I briefly saw him on Friday. I commented that his hair was longer than he used to wear it, and said it looks good. A few minutes later he said “so my hair looks all right this way, doesn’t it”? He hasn’t changed. Needs affirmations, even if they were just given. He still doesn’t realize that he doesn’t seem to know how to receive them, or is unable to. He also commented on his weight, then showed me his “big guns”. I thought it was a bit sad.
D19 has been in a lot of pain with ovarian cysts. I had her at the ER last Sunday night. When I told her I’d take her, she immediately said she would let her dad know. When she got on the phone with him, she handed the phone to me. H wanted to know if there was anything we weren’t telling him, because he felt she wasn’t saying something. I truthfully said no. I said perhaps she might want you to come, but that she didn’t say anything to me. He just said he would leave his phone on (it was late). On the way D19 was very upset. She said “You’d think dad would want to come to be with me”. I told her she needed to be open and honest with her dad how she feels. She texted him, and he did show up. He sat very quietly, and didn’t participate in conversation much, went on his phone, etc. I tried to engage in a bit of chit chat as we were there for 3 hours, but he wasn’t receptive. I let it go. But, at least he came. I realized that just showing up might be all that he was capable of. Giving emotional support I would imagine would be very difficult to do when you can’t even really give it to yourself. I believe D19 was in pain, it’s been lasting 2 weeks, but I also had a thought that perhaps she wanted her dad’s attention. I don’t know, but the thought was there. Anyway, I was glad he at least showed up. She’s better now, and back to work.
I realize I’m beginning to think of H only in more abstract, fleeting ways. Is he with her tonight? Who knows? Move on. More often than not it’s as easy as that. Do I stew occasionally? It is useless to lie about that to myself, because I can’t work on what I don’t acknowledge, can I? So yes. I do. The sermon at church today was about how satan takes thoughts and transforms then to make them out of control thoughts. He used the example of guilt. Satan takes over, turns guilt into self-hate, and ultimately can lead to suicide. That satan tells you that you can’t escape. Wow. Did that ever hit home! For me, my anxiety becomes obsessive. For H, he used the pastor used the exact scenario I fear for H. The key to armoring yourself against satan’s attacks is knowing the Word. The more I turn to God, the stronger my armor. I can definitely see that shift in myself. I pray for that for H.
Well. Anniversary last week, unacknowledged by H (and me) for the first time in 28 years, and Mother’s Day today, unacknowledged by H in 21 years. It’s a bit weird. I’m a little curious about what went through H’s mind (if anything) about either one of these days. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Today I had my kids with me. We are close, they turn to me whenever they need support, share all their ups and downs, and I think they know I’m their rock. What else really matters?
Off to take S21 to the bus to go back. D19 went to take a nap, and bread making with her is on the agenda when I get back.
