Thank you CL. I don't feel strong - I have many days where I get the kids off to school then sit in the car outside my house wailing because I don't want to go in to the empty place. I get tears in my eyes most nights when I load the dishwasher and there's one plate too few. His clothes are still here and sometimes I want to sleep with them and sometimes I want to burn them. I am certainly not strong!
What has helped is time, and making my mind up to enjoy as much of my time and my days and my children and my work as possible. I am heartbroken at the state of my marriage and I don't know what will happen and the uncertainty is terrible. But I am also fit and healthy and financially safe and my children love me and have their health. I enjoy my work. I have plenty each day to be grateful for and that has helped.
I see my H is struggling and very very very badly wants me to be on his side. I can be on his side by doing my 180s and taking brilliant care of those children and taking emotional care of myself and putting no demands on him. I can also be on his side (and this is harder) by refusing to tolerate his shoddy behaviour and distancing myself from it. I see a man who is confused and struggling and depressed and deeply frightened and who finds vulnerability and humility too frightening to countenance. I feel a lot of compassion for him. Whether he is able to dig deep and find it in himself to examine his own behaviour is up to him. Even if he goes on that journey, he might end up a better man and one I am no longer suited to. I know that. I'm very sad about it. But I don't want to cling onto him anymore.
