I think I'm sad because I do genuinely want to care for him and help him. There's probably all kinds of covert contracts in there and manipulation and needing to be needed and co-dependency. But there's also a man who I love who is in a terrible state. I do want to be a support and comfort to him and I know that because of my own shortcomings I have failed to do that in the past. And right now, no matter how much I'd like to comfort or help him, I don't think I can. He sees everything I do in the worst possible light, he's so critical I doubt there's anything about me he likes or wants right now, when I have tried to comfort or help in practical ways (like cooking him meals for the freezer, getting him stuff from the chemist, etc) he's ended up throwing things back in my face. I think he's probably pretty confused and mixed up and wants comfort, and doesn't understand why he feels critical or scared when I do comforting things - because he can't trust them. I think that's where he is. And I can't help with that. And I'm just sad, because it is a painful place to be for both of us and there's really nothing to do about it right now.
AlisonUK,
I sympathize with your situation. There are many parallels between your sitch and my own. I am also worried about my H. He is choosing his actions, but I feel like he is spiraling out of control. He has struggled with addiction in the past, whether it be pain killers, alcohol, tobacco, or porn. He lost his six figure job in 2010 due to these behaviors. It was devastating to our family, but we worked hard and got through it. What I now recognize is that there was still work to do. We moved forward too fast. With exception to the pills (as far as I know) all of these things are back in his life and gaining momentum. He is spending $ like crazy which is scary as it is either drugs, hotel rooms, or it could just be reckless spending. I have opened my own account and will be asking him to do the same.
We differ in that it sounds like your H is making progress towards you, my H is not. My H is the opposite of critical at this point. For the first several weeks he blamed me and our marriage for all of his behaviors. That we were damaged beyond repair. Last week he changed his tune. He stated that he is mostly to blame for these issues, that underneath it all there is something wrong with him- the lying, hiding things, etc. That he often tries to make me out to be the bad guy, but he knows that it's not true. That I have stuck by him through thick and thin, and he wishes he could do the same for me (crumbs).
He blames his unhappiness in our marriage for the reason he needs space, a break. Yet from everything I've read, it is the affair talking. There is not doubt in my mind that he is unhappy, and was before the OW. We were disconnected and a series of events began to pile up and overwhelm him. Yet his words, actions, and addictive personality tell me his desire to leave is fueled by his A. He says that he wants to leave, but continues to try to keep the door open. I think perhaps I need to shut that door and work on me.
I also feel like I will have peace if he leaves. I have turned my ringer off on my phone b/c the "ding" gives me anxiety. His texts are friendly and kind, but I just want him to stop. The same is true with our home phone. I am annoyed every day when he calls.
You are so strong. Keep up the hard work. Your posts inspire and comfort me as I can see you becoming stronger each day!
