After 28 years together I discovered my husband in an EA. He did not stop contact and told me that he was not happy, and needed space to figure out what he wanted. We have built a beautiful life together raising 3 amazing children and were making plans for our future. I was blindsided. I did everything wrong, cried, followed him around like a lost puppy. You name it, I did it. The first month it almost looked like we would reconcile. We became intimate, and at least I was working on making some changes. The contact with OW continued and I am 99.9% sure it has turned into a PA. He denies that it isn’t anything other than phone calls, but I know better. Believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do…..
We are 12 weeks in. He is on the couch and has been for 2 months. I have moved his things into the guest BR. I’m not sure what the future has in store for us. I was a bit of a doormat the past few months, trying desperately to save my marriage and allowing my husband to have his cake and eat it too. I continued to act as his friend, sharing morning coffee and dinner, buying little silly things- special grocery request, etc. All the while he was getting deeper into his affair. Of course he was! He had the best of both worlds!
As I learned more about 180, Sandi's rules, and getting a life, I began to make changes. My husband noticed and reacted immediately. I stopped initiating phone calls and texts a month ago. I began to detach, stayed busy, and became a bit of a mystery to H. It is hard! It’s uncomfortable, but I am feeling better about myself. H continues to call and text me. My responses are friendly, but short. He does a lot of “temp checking”. He is trying to leave me little crumbs- H-“I never said our marriage was over. People separate and work things out. This is not about someone else. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Maybe I ended it with her….” It’s hard, but I’m not buying any of it. Actions speak louder than words.
This week was my breaking point. He continues to create a web of lies and contact OW. I basically told him that he is my best friend, and we continue to act as friends, but we can’t be friends right now, not while he is in a relationship w/OW. He was visibly annoyed and upset. “I’m not in a relationship with her, blah blah blah…..” He claims he is just trying to keep things cordial with me, when you live with someone you check in, that sometimes it is just out of habit. I told him that I appreciate that he thinks of me, but it is all too confusing for me right now, that as long as he is in contact with OW, I cannot be his friend. He left for work in a huff and texted me a half hour later…… Calls nightly on his way home to check in and offer to bring me home dinner. I almost get angry when I see his number pop up. It is so much easier to try to move forward when he leaves me alone.
At this point I am starting to get my ducks in a row. I have created a budget for separation, I have opened up my own bank account, and creating a to-do list. I truly want my husband to wake up, yet I need to dig deep and consider if I want to continue to be married to this man. I don’t want him to leave, but I cannot go on living like this. I think it would be best if he leaves. He needs to figure out what he wants, what the is risking. I guess I’m just not sure if I want to approach it, or just wait until he brings it up again?
