I am not sure how long this reply will be, or how much of it will help, but I wanted to start with there are many many days when I feel exactly how you feel right now. Facing a future on my own that I did not want, feeling confused, scared and in a strange way also, at times, optimistic about that future. Knowing that I am not ready to date and at the same time, missing that feeling of togetherness and certainty you can only really have when are part of a couple. Missing it so much that it is a physical pain deep inside me that I can't get rid of. I will tell you what I tell myself. Keep [censored] going. You are going to be fine.
Why she can't look at you I can't tell you why your W is doing this but I can tell you why I do it. When I started DB'g I couldn't look at him. I would walk out of the room, I would talk to whatever was in the distance behind him. I did not want him to know that I was barely holding it together. I knew that if he put his arms around me I would collapse. It is a show. Remember that this hurts her. She is doing what is right for her but humans are complex creatures - there is pride and guilt mixed in with that resolve. Those emotions are easy to bury when you are living in different states barely communicating, but you're in the same house, the same house that you shared and called home, and she is moving furniture out whilst you sit in another room doing your nails. Of course she could barely get out a "K" or a "yup" - all her energy is being used up keeping it together .
BTW - yes she noticed. They always notice. They might not say anything, but they notice everything. They will put their own interpretation on it - in my case, and as my H always internets everything from a veil of negativity, it is proof that I am "wanting to make myself attractive to other people", "seeing people" or "happily moving on". Not much I can do about that. I can only control me.
And the plants - same reason as she can't look you in the eye. It hurts to do so. She is trying to show you how strong she is. In anywise, you can do what you like with them now. I would keep them (if I had a green thumb, which I don't). Greenery helps bring warmth and life to a place.
the friends [censored] 'em. Let her do her and you do you. Don't waste your energy trying to work out the motivations of other people. It could be that they are just being there for your W or they could have been trying to sabotage your M for years. It doesn't matter. That is a tunnel you could be stuck in for years to come. Let it go. If you and your W reconcile, then you will know that you can look your W and then in the eye and know that you maintained your dignity throughout this.
the underwear Who knows, and more importantly, you are unlikely to ever know. Could be innocent, could be proof of an A. At this stage, does it matter. How does it effect the Yail you want to be? The Yail you are becoming?
I am sorry the D seems to be moving forward. You can't stop people from doing what they will do. Sometimes you have to watch from the outside as someone destroys the life you built. Build a new one and wish her well for now.
Italy is fab. And you get to do it at your pace. There have been so many times when I've been stuck waiting for H because he wanted to look in yet another shop, or been rushed because he wanted to fit one more thing in. Go, sit in cafes, drink strong coffee, people watch. Or, if you're up in the mountains, go for long walks in the country side. Go to a wine vineyard. No matter what you do or where you go, be present and look for the beauty around you.
If you're stopping in London on your way to Italy look me up. I would love to meet Yail 2.0.
