W came over today with a moving truck and two friends to take a bunch of furniture. She arrived first. Her voice sounded decently normal, but she wouldn't look at me. This is the first I've seen this behavior. Not that I was expecting any reaction on how I look now (hair different, very different glasses, wearing lipstick which I never used to do) but I honestly don't think she even noticed. That's how little she looked at me.
Mostly she just got to work collecting the items she was taking. Most had been agreed upon prior, and a few additional items I let her know were fine to take today. I still have plenty of furniture, but will need to do some rearranging. She was whistling a bit (which she does when she is nervous) and sniffling as if a cold (but likely trying not to cry?).
I sat in the back room doing computer work, painting my nails. It wasn't intentional, but by me painting my nails it was an obvious signal that I would not be able to help move anything. I doubt she expected me to anyway.
Her friends (H & W duo) came to help. They both used to be mutual friends. They were at our wedding. H had sold us this house. The W is a close friend of my W, and I have a strong suspicion she is an advocate for W to "find herself" or proceed with D or something. I do not think she in any way ever tried to convince W to stick with our M. This would not have changed anything, but it annoys me.
this friend has also had several rocky years with her H from what I have heard, and has considered leaving him and/or they separated for a time. I don't know the details. I don't care. But there they were today - acting as couple, helping each other move out W's [censored]. And all I could think was, "you selfish B*#$% I bet you convinced my W she needed to leave our M to find herself, all the while you wanted to do the same in your life. But here you are, and your M is still intact because you didn't want to deal with the consequences yourself."
Not very generous of me. If I have learned anything, I know that it is crazy to try to judge someone else's marriage. I have no idea what her situation is. But that was what I was feeling.
I let W know that I would be at the house for a bit, but would be leaving shortly. If she had anything to discuss with me or ask me she should let me know before I left. A few furniture questions, not much else. She will plan to come back to the house in July to get it ready to go on the market. I plan on vacating in October. At that time we will sit down and divide smaller assets which will be a tedious process. I appreciate that she has not attempted to take a single thing that was a mutual possession with out clearing it with me.
I don't know, but I'm starting to suspect W is seeing person who was OW. No proof, no indicators. Just feel like this is how these sitches usually progress, and it is therefore likely. One time today a phone was ringing (could have been any of the three of them) and no one answered it. i couldn't tell whose it was. But the idea popped in my head it might have been W's, and she wasn't answering because it was OW and she was in the house with me. Equally possible is the chance that W was outside and didn't hear the phone. So I truly have no idea. Or maybe it was one of the friends.
About a week ago I was putting clean sheets on the bed. I guess I was using a set I hadn't used in about 5 months and didn't realize. As I unrolled the sheets a pair of underwear fell out that were not mine. My world stopped.
There are several possibilities. The first and obvious - they were OWs. I'm quite sure these sheets were the ones W had brought with her to her new State when she was still part-time over there and part time at home. During this time she was staying with a friend (same one at the house today) sometimes, and later had an apartment. Would OWs underwear have been mixed up at that time? Who knows. Other possibility - they were Ws and new. This is actually most likely. They appeared to be a cheap brand (possibly Target?). She was so absent minded during that time period it is very likely she hadn't brought enough pair with her and wasn't doing laundry much so just bought a new pack. Option 3: They were this other friends, and they got mixed up in the laundry. Also likely possibility. Option 4: They were W's brothers. He stayed with us around Thanksgiving for one night, and I feel like he used these sheets on the pull-out bed. Not my place to judge if they were brothers, but I think they were technically women's though decently neutral cotton white.
I immediately threw them away and refused to get worked up about it.
Back to today. W was packing and getting more and more agitated from what I could tell. This is the most distant she has been yet. In past meetings she was just sad. But today it felt like she was pushing herself forward, and acting as if angry at me. Maybe not angry - maybe more annoyed? She didn't say anything rude and her tone was mostly neutral. I haven't done anything, so I'm not worked up about this interaction. This is all on her and I'm not playing these games.
I got the sense she is very overwhelmed by the fact she has to pack up the house, take care of her stuff, put the house on the market. Too bad.
I get the sense she feels I'm not doing anything or that I won't do anything to get the house ready. That's simply not true. I'll be getting the gardens ready and looking nice. This is for me, but also to sell the house. i'll be fixing a couple of things I haven't told her I'm going to do (restain the deck, fix a bathroom fan). She hasn't asked, and I haven't offered this information. These are my summer projects for the house i live in. These are all projects W would have historically taken on. I'm doing them because they will help me in my decision if I wish to buy a house or condo. I've lived in both, but always with W.
Her house plants, which she was so keen on taking - today she told me to dump them. She didn't want them. This is a changed behavior for sure. She loved having house plants.
She was loving towards the rabbit, who she obviously misses.
As I was leaving the three of them were in the moving truck. I just called, "I'm out" as I was leaving. W responded with a simple "K" or "Yup". That was the coldest exchange.
W has emailed me earlier this week about logistics for D. She has started paperwork and consulted a lawyer. Seems that is proceeding, though I don't know the timeline. I'm just waiting for whatever she initiates. First up is disclosing assets. We are still in agreement we will each keep our own assets and split equity of the house sale. Keep it simple and fair.
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After all this, I ran to do errands. One of them was to go to a travel agency to ask a few questions about my upcoming trip to Italy. I leave in 3 weeks. After that I hooked up with SIL and we did some shopping. Tonight I'm going out with SIL and B after I mow the lawn. Tomorrow I hang out with BFF, then B, Mom, and grandma for mother's day.
Fun fact: It will cost me 200 euro to rent a car in Italy if manual. It would cost 800 if automatic. I am so, so grateful my dad taught me to drive a stick and that my first car was manual. It has been over 15 years but I'm sure I can do it.
So I'm focusing now on my trip to Italy and what fun I'm going to have. I have a ball of sadness in my stomach, but it's not that really tight anxiety ball that I used to get. Honestly, right now I don't see a way forward with W. I see this D proceeding and us splitting. And if we ever reconnect in any fashion I think it will be a very, very long way in the future.
Any change in dynamic between us would have to come from her. I'm not sure my ability to forgive will come as easy as it might have a few months ago. I'm really feeling the deep-down hurt these days.
I need to move on. I can't live in sadness. It goes against my nature. So i am focusing on making myself someone I am proud of. I am not looking to date, but I AM looking to open myself up to people. I would love to find a random person to make-out with (just that!) just so I can have the distraction but without the weight of a R. Maybe some flirting in my near future. Something I would have felt guilty for when partnered - I don't have that guilt any more. I need to see myself with possibilities in my future, but not make any firm steps towards an R at this time.
