New to DB and (W)MLC, never thought it'd be me

[SoTorn]

Very wise ST, thank you.

So I know from looking around that there is a lot of focus on people protecting themselves (very smart and necessary).

The main theme seems to be cutting off attachment when dealing with something which isn't your H/W.


Is this what the books are about? The videos on YouTube, she's all about saving the marriage and says most can be saved.

In the end, the goal, if you want it to be, and the hope, is that you bettering yourself will save your M. That is the end game.

However, the path is what you need to focus on. The path is where you focus and solely work on you.

DB theory is that you are making a stronger you and in some cases, because of this, the WW/WAS sees that you are who they should continue their life with. According to DB, this phase isnt even the hard part. The hard part is when/if the WW comes back and you start piecing your R back together.

Yes, I gave up on hope. I stopped shining the light. I decided that my WW having sex with another man on top of treating me extremely badly, was an absolute dealbreaker.

Thats a decision each individual will need to make on their own.

As long as you keep doing things with an expectation that your MR will be saved, you will continue to hurt and you wont detach.

You need to go from "maybe if I show her I have changed she will come back/snap out of it" to "I am making these changes for myself and no matter what I am going to be a better person, a bright shining star in the sky, and whether or not she sees this and comes back doesnt matter, because I know I will be fine and that my next relationship, whether it be MR 2.0, or with another woman, will have the best version of me in attendance "

Having hope that you will have MR 2.0 is a good thing. Only you can decide how long you hold out hope and if thats something you want to do.

I am 38. I decided that I was not going to spend the remainder of my 30s hoping and waiting for this hateful, cheating version of my WW to recognize her issues, work on them, love herself again and decide to come back. Life is fleeting and each year of my life is just way to valuable to spend on someone who could hurt me so badly, so easily.