Married couple from Scandinavia

[DnJ]

Good Morning Ben

I am sorry for the unwanted situation you find yourself in. Yes, the suddenness of it is quite a shock. That realization that she sees things differently than you do, it does send one spinning and panicking a bit.

Don’t read too much into the lack of replies. Things move pretty slowly in the MLC world, including postings sometimes - it’s a marathon, not a sprint. That is the truth. And the LBS needs to accept that, which then in turn usually affect all parts of their life. A more go with the flow kind of view.

Have you read DB by MWD yet? If not, I recommend it. It’s a good book, and an excellent place to start.

I did read your first post the day you arrived. I have been pondering your words and your situation, along with your replies. Remember - marathon. Also another guide that the LBS usually learns and gets ingrained into them - wait 24 or 48 hours before replying to your MLCer. That also affects us; a pause and reflection is usually put in place when conversing, not a definite time like 24 hours, more like a pause to ensure one’s thoughts before speaking, especially with very important matters.

I have a few suggestions and observation regarding your situation as it is described so far.

To me it doesn’t look like, or feel like, a full blown midlife crisis. She is in some form of emotional turmoil, but far short of the inescapable irrationally driving need to destroy her life to get away. Well, at the moment.

Age 34 is rather young to have the pressure of mortality and life pressing down upon one to the breaking point. It is not unheard of to happen so young, just rare. Perhaps a more quarter life crisis is at play. This is more of a transition from 30’s to 40’s, the entering of one’s midlife.

No doubt your wife is having some second thoughts, feelings, desires, and such. The “having a baby”, the growing up required to face that, could stir up suppressed feelings and past unresolved events; which she needs to face and work through.

I do hope she is suffering more a transition than a crisis. However, that is beyond your control. Either of those paths are her’s and she requires the space and time to travel them. It is possible she is just entering the starting of MLC, the stage that we usually don’t see, the triggering part of all this.

Bomb drop happens after this triggering stage and is start of things for the LBS; it is when we know something is serious wrong. Do you know of any events from around 18-24 months ago? Something emotionally charged that may have stirred something within her? A death, a birth, a wedding, etc..?

From you account of events there is a pretty mild bomb drop. So either the true BD is coming, or maybe it is not MLC, more that transition of life.

She said she doesn´t know why she is feeling this way but she thinks it will go over on its own. She just needs time and space.

An MLCer will exhibit confusion as they grasp for their new future life and hang on to their past life. Living two (or more) different lives is confusing. Once they make up their mind, the BD time, that new future life is absolute in their resolve. In their mind that is the be all and end all, until it isn’t. I don’t see that conviction from your wife. She doesn’t have that belief in what she is doing. Of course everyone is different, and this is all just guidelines.

Counselling is something that doesn’t work with an MLCer. Usually they will go, just to buy time while planning their exit, and to “try everything to save the marriage”. The latter is very common. Most LBS will have heard how their spouse tried everything and we just wouldn’t fix things so it is over. Of course we don’t even know they are “trying”, or that we are been scrutinized. It wouldn’t matter anyhow, by that point the WAS is looking for justifications and any reasons to further their desire to run.

She tells the counselor that she wants to make this work and she has been adamant about that from the start, that we shouldn´t jump to conclusions and that we have been together for 9 years - we can´t just let go like that. She also told him that she doesn´t trust that her feelings about having second thoughts about the marriage are real. She is afraid that if she ends the relationship she´ll realize that that´s not at all what she wanted. But besides that so much fits in with the MLC description. She said it all started with thoughts of having a baby, "is this it, the end??" and she often felt the desire to be "let loose".

Ben, your W does appear to be rather lucid regarding her desire to leave and her misgivings about possible leaving. Being able to articulate her feelings, desires, and problems is a good thing. She is not suppressing them, not running, not hiding. What does that mean? Not sure. Time will tell.

Let’s look to you for a bit.

I can see my abs now for the first time in my life.

That is great!

I´ve upgraded everything in our house, all furniture etc. Yes, in the back of my mind, I am doing this to make her feel what she would be losing if she left. Is that a bad idea?

Basically - yes.

Trying to show her what she is giving up will backfire. She knows what she is giving up.

You do not want to manipulate her path. Let her walk it. If you want new furniture then buy it - for you! Not in an attempt to coerce her into seeing the better choice.

I made sure to sign a prenup before we got married. If she leaves, she leaves with absolutely nothing and could not afford anywhere near the lifestyle she has today. I´m worried about this since I certainly don´t want her to stay in this relationship because she has no other choice.

This is similar to the above. You most definitely do not want her staying out of having no other choice. That being said. She has lots of choices, and if she wants out, she will leave. Money or not. My W left everything! Including our four children. She has no real job, or future, or family, or happinesses... Pretty darn sad what destruction and ruin MLC brings.

But despite all this, we still aren´t intimate with each other. We haven´t had sex since January. Is it normal that couples have sex at when one spouse is having a MLC? I haven´t read anything on that anywhere?

A couple having sex while one spouse is in MLC would be pretty uncommon, IMHO. Most times separate bedroom is about the best you can hope for. Usually there is an affair, as sex is a pretty big distraction from whatever pain they cannot face.

What do you make of all this? I am prepared for the worst, that this could take years from now. At times, I feel like giving up. And what about sex? She is worth waiting for but am I as LBS supposed to accept the fact that I can’t have sex for years to come?

After reading what some poor souls have been through here and many other forums, I don´t think I can go through that. I love her so much but this has been over 3 months of agony. I can detach but right now I´m more pretending to in front of her. I still miss her and hate every moment of being in this situation.

I think I’ve stated a reasonable expression of what I make of all this. I am interested in your take on my observations.

Ben, you are just starting your path. You’ve got a long way to travel. You have made it through the first three agonizing months, well done. It does get better, honest.

Sex. What about sex? Short answer - no sex. Your wife needs space and time, and she will take it. You have to put no pressure on her, she will run with pressure. It pushes her away. And sex is a big pressure! No relationship talk. No sex. No pressure. She will come to you when she is ready. And I am talking about relationship talks, sex is a ways after that. Follow her lead, and be careful - conversations can quickly turn volatile.

I already have but I can sense it´s not real, I don´t want to go out and do things, I want to be with her. So I think for me to actually want to GAL I have to end this and move on.

Of course you want to be with her. You are at the start of you path. This is going to take you some time to get through.

Ben, you need to focus on you. Let her be. Give her space and time, with no pressure. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have time, use it wisely.

Detach from her and this situation. This for you - not her. Not an magic way to get her back. It is to save yourself. To allow you to see what you really want to do.

Make changes that you have always wanted to make for yourself. Your abs for example. Again, for you, not to get her back - that just doesn’t work. The changes must be permanent and that only happens when you are doing them for you.

Of course you want to save your marriage. The best way is to focus on you. Become better not bitter. Be the best Ben you can be. She might see these changes and become interested and turn back towards you. That is the bonus part. The real reason you do all this - is for you - no matter how this all plays out, you will be a better person at the end.

We have couples therapy scheduled for next Wednesday so I don´t want to make any drastic decisions right away, but most likely I will end our relationship next week. I have a strong urge to do it today but I don´t trust my own feelings so I´ll give it a week before I decide. Once I´ve ended it, that´s it for me. I´ll have to deactivate all my social medias, make sure she moves out of our apartment asap and then and only then can I truly detach from this and start a new life.

Continue counselling if she is willing. Keep it pressure free from your end. Be honest, just not pushy.

You are wise to not trust your feelings, but maybe not in the way you think.

Your feelings are true and real, you can trust that. And you can trust your feeling will change. I know they feel like forever; they are not.

Feeling are fleeting. Do not make decisions based on feelings.

Feeling are real, acknowledge and accept them. Realize what they are, and realize they are only one part of what is truly going on in your life. Thoughts, values, and beliefs - still need to explore these.

I understand your urge to end your relationship. This is has been a very dramatic turn in your life. Your instincts are telling you that you require an equally dramatic reason and solution to fix this. “Ending you relationship” is certainly dramatic. However, the ending, it will not bring you peace, nor comfort, nor joy, nor answers.

You are one of the lucky people who found themselves here. Most poor souls get no support and stumble through this disaster unassisted and with less then stellar results. The advice is counterintuitive, it goes against what you feel is correct. I get it, I was there. Listen to what you’ve read on these compassionate people’s posts, listen to their hard earned wisdom - heed it.

I envy you brave people who can go through this for many months and even years. I hope one day I will be as strong as you.

The choice is always your’s.

Do everything you can do to save your marriage. If it still fails, you will have the knowledge that you did all you could do. You will also learn much along the way, and take that into your next relationship, if you choose one.

The growth and grief that you are facing will not go away. You are already walking and moving forward. Keep at it, you have no idea just how strong you can actually be. And that I absolutely know!

Delay making any decisions, you are not in a good place for those major life altering decisions.

I see a lot of possibility with your wife, and situation. Please consider my words. Despair and hopelessness are insidious the way they get within one’s self, and will alter one’s view drastically.

Focus on you. Work on healing.

You need not choose anything right away; and you probably shouldn’t.

I do hope we talk again.

DnJ