I feel like explaining to W why I pulled over the car 2 months ago and was so strange emotionally, both histrionic and trying to hold things in. I said I was ashamed and she said she was frightened for her life. And that I showed no remorse.
Earlier that day I saw a picture in our cloud account. It was our wedding photo on the wall, and a painting she got me as a gift on the floor, never hung up. I knew RIGHT THEN how unhappy she really was. It scared me. I freaked out. I never told her I found this. But it’s why I pulled the car over. And why I apologized in 3 letters for so much I did wrong. I asked to talk in person and she said only in front of IC or MC.
I want to tell her I’m distant out of respect and love and not out of spite.
I want her to tell her that I know what is going on.
Mostly... I want to tell her about the picture. I worry this will accelerate things or freak her out. I also worry that I should actually tell her about the painting, that it is an opportunity, that maybe she will understand why I wrote those long letters and lost weight and seemed emotionally charged up.
I just want some glimmer of light that we can maybe work this out somehow.
But instead I’m going to go downstairs, put a smile on my face, and enjoy the day with my kids and act super excited to be 40 today, because I have to keep up the act.
