“I'd struggle to come up with a crisp definition of what emotional or psychological abuse is, but I know that H has been sarcastic, belittling, has called me names, has done nasty impressions of me while upset, has used the silent treatment (extensively), stonewalled, blame-shifted, gas-lit - at various points in our relationship and increasingly over the past couple of years. He can be quite manipulative and withdraw love and attention to punish me. I consider some of this stuff abusive and all of it unacceptable in the kind of marriage I want.”

Yes, I agree, these are all forms of abuse. I have read most of your posts and his behavior is unacceptable. Your H is cruel, controlling, resentful, and does not have much insight into his own deplorable behavior. I think he will need to take a good, hard look at himself and make many changes before he can be a decent partner to anyone. This kind of work is grueling and takes many years. First step tho, he has to admit he even has a problem. IMO, MC is about two people coming together and willing to look at their own part. I don’t believe that works with an abuser.

You say that you are not a victim because his behaviors are caused by you or reactions to you. My dear, this is the exact reason that you ARE in fact a victim. He justifies his abuse of you, and you allow it. This is how it works and why the cycle is so incredibly difficult to break. It is also why I said that people can’t see it while they are in it . So pleas read this next sentence over and over.

THERE IS NOTHING A PERSON CAN DO TO CAUSE ABUSE.

Here is the thing, you are not perfect. You have made mistakes - we all have! You might provoke, cry/beg, follow him and be needy, etc. I’ve read your rationale. I hear you. But, he of his own free will, decides how to respond. He has the right to ask for space, to tell you he’s not ok with your behavior or to leave the M. He does not, ever, have the right to abuse you or anyone.

You deserve to feel safe and not as if you will be punished for your own mistakes. You sound as if you can breathe better when he is not around. You don’t have to save your M if it’s not safe for you. Your kids deserve a safe environment too. You are in the hardest stages right now. It will get better as you let go and decide you have had enough of this torture. You will find your stronger, confident, healthier self again one day. I promise she is still in there.

Hugs,
Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela