Feel really really sad again today. Took Youngest out last night and had a lovely time - I left all my worries at home and just concentrated on her, and she's developing into such a bright, witty, lovely little thing. Really enjoyed myself. Came home to a disturbed night and an early morning.
I feel lonely for intimacy - not sex, though that's part of it - but just one of those conversations where you can say what is on your mind safely, knowing that the other person will respond with kindness and understanding - at least most of the time. And that they'll say what's on their mind without attacking or blaming you. I miss saying and feeling 'we' and having a sense of a shared life and shared goals. I have the therapy, and friends, and this board, and my kids, and the dog - all of that matters. And I earn my own money and have my own career and am capable of sorting out all the financial and housing stuff if it comes to that. I'm not afraid of that side of things. But that private two-way connection is totally gone from our relationship and absent from my life and has been, if I am honest, for a long time.
I have been toying with taking a risk and telling him what is on my mind. Telling him I've been incredibly hurt and I am afraid that the therapy will be more of the same, and I am not sure I can cope with it right now. Saying that I care about him, and I understand why he has acted the way he has, but I don't want any more of it and I think the right thing to do is draw a line under things and move on to a divorce as quickly as possible. See what he says. But he seems to experience any act of self disclosure on my part as a demand for something - and he will generally respond to demands with either withdrawal or attack. I suppose there's nothing really he can do or say, even in the most hopeful of my imaginings, that is going to take these feelings away and they are my responsibility to process. And I can't say, hand on heart, that this isn't just more manipulation - that I don't just want him to convince me that he's different, and convince me that by hanging in here and staying in the marriage and trying to repair it, I will be happier and it will be the best decision for the children. I want him to convince me of that, but he can't, and I am failing utterly to convince myself and I am so sad about it.
I think I am grieving. I miss him and he is gone and therapy isn't going to be the place where I see him again because he's just not there.
