Reading your post, if you were at the start of your relationship back twenty years ago, the list would not lead one to the conclusion that you love her.
Now post-MLC, I understand in some ways why you still do.
But I wonder if you would be able to say why. I wonder if the why is what I have in my mind or something else.
I do not love my H anymore, not the one in front of me. I feel like he is a battering ram coated in acid, and I must keep my gate lowered to block his force against the castle of my being.
I can barely remember the H I knew before. I have not seen him in over six years. I think I love him but I can't remember him.
Mostly I tell God I trust Him, that if His plan is to restore His prodigal son, He will put His own love in my heat so I don't need to worry about keeping hold of it now while the battering ram is beating at the gate.
But often I am in a free fall towards who I was before -- I was always alone, I was so powerful in my solitude. And my relationships with men were nothing real. I was not a Christian then. Seeing my longing to be that person again, all I can do is try to aim my free fall toward God.
I loved your post to me in the last thread. The thought of you somewhere far away, standing in a store and hearing that song (was it Flora Cash?) and smiling to think of me -- well, that is just about the only thing I need to feel happy today.
I am praying for you and W. I am praying that God's plan is more beautiful than anything you can imagine in this moment.
Here is another song for you. Lately I have been listening to a lot of rap. In many ways that is part of my free fall. But not this song.
