A Real Mess Pt.2

[Niall11]

Yeah, so let the 2x4s begin. Maybe I've got too much hope. Maybe I'm too focused on her. I'll confess it's all those things. I want her back.

Overwhelmed by grief today. I don't want this dream to die. I confess I've been too dependent on her, her love, her affection. And since she took it away 18 months ago, I've been a mess.

I've only just started DBing. She doesn't seem to mind. She gets all the space she wants. Doesn't get asked about her phone or what she's doing all day.

I haven't been able to catch a glimpse of the good life yet. Owning the strength and individuality I can have in looking forward.

I thought it would be easier having her in the house to get her reaction to DB, but it's harder than I thought.

Sitting at dinner each night faking it with the kids at the table. Going out after the kids go to bed to basically grieve - not enjoying myself yet.

I don't really see her making an effort to land the big job yet, well, because she has everything she needs at our home.

Gutted, confused, sad. I can't remember not looking forward to weekends but here I am.

We all go see a movie with the kids tomorrow.

I got her a gift card for getting her nails done for Mother's Day, and a card from the kids this year. First time I haven't gotten something for her to prove my love - to gush about how I feel about her. It's just empty this year.

This post really hit me because it sums up very well how I've been feeling as well, and I've been at it a bit longer than you. But I'm not enjoying anything yet and I absolutely hate living almost entirely separate lives under the same roof for now, with no positive interaction at all, and feeling sure she's enjoying her separate life a lot more than I'm enjoying mine.

Hang in there. It takes a lot of time.