I think you are doing fantastically well. I recognise a lot of what you are saying. For me, grief and acceptance have gone hand in hand.
A couple of weeks ago, I was overcome with an incredible grief and sadness after months of feeling okay. The mistake I made was not accepting it for what it was ie incredible grief and sadness at the death and ending of something. I thought it meant something more and started to attach far too much meaning to it.
For me, ending this R and commencing a formal proceeding is the right thing to do. I had thought if it was the right thing to do, I should be happy about it. Of course, it was nonsense. For me.
I know that the rational thoughts I have are to end this M and that is the right thing to do. I don't like it but it's the right thing to do. I also accept that I am also allowed to feel grief and sadness even though it is the right thing to do.
I was afraid of grieving. Afraid of finally letting go and acknowledging it wasn't coming back. Once I allowed myself to grieve I felt liberated.
The tears and sadness I felt recently were different to the ones felt 10 months ago. Back then they were tears of hurt feelings and shock. Only time showed me the difference between tears of desperation and tears of grief and acceptance.
Give yourself time. You'll know the right thing to do.
