Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

I understand. I guess what I mean is that am not even sure I have remained faithful, if it's about thoughts and temptations. I just can't imagine legitimizing that or meeting someone to share a life with. I even sometimes think, well, it would be good for my kids to live with a kind and good man and to see me treated with love and kindness. I've even been encouraged to seek annulment by priests I deeply respect. But then I think of the legalism of it all, of how my H's choice can't change my vision of what M is. i think, well, yes, a terrible thing happened, my H went insane, the life I wanted is not going to be the life I live, and I have a very heavy cross the carry. He may come back, and I would have to love him again and God will help me do it. Or he may never come back and I will not have that family life I wanted. My heart says that God will provide a life for me as my H's wife, even I don't understand what that looks like, even if my H does not come along to share it.

I am more aware than ever of how weak I am, of how helpless in the face of the allure of this world. I understand maybe for the first time that I can do nothing via my own will. I just keep asking God to know me as I am and to help me to walk in the path he wants for me, to make it possible when it has become impossible, to forgive me and invite me back when I am not strong enough to stay the course.