My 5th teenager.

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My son has been talking about his longing to use drugs since last year, when he was just past twelve. This is what I have experienced and learned -

I have made many mistakes and gotten into screaming matches, tried punishment, tried taking things away, etc. None of that works when you have a kid who doesn't care what you think anymore. All you can do is love them.

My S is terrible to me during the day, rages, skips school, even shoplifted, etc., last year. At night he often lets his guard down and comes to me to talk.

But I work with troubled teens and know the beginning, middle, end of that road when teens stop trusting parents. I experienced my own mom's MLC as a teen. I have spent twenty years reading the journals and other personal writing of teens, so I am always able to remember how alone they feel, how misunderstood, how much they are longing to figure out who they are and to be accepted for it.

My S's best friend from last year went down the dark road when his mom went on the offense -- screaming, locking out, police, trying to reason with him. He was dealing, staying out all night, older girlfriends, etc. He was 12/13 years old. Ended up in rehab.

And then I know how I feel when there is another school shooting and I remember that my son is alive and well and I just feel so grateful to have him, however he is now and with all my sorrow and hope for him.

So I try to give my energy to whatever he did that was positive, show my sorrow at his poor choices, but always be there, always forgive him, always be ready to drop all disagreements the moment he was ready to talk. This means that sometimes when he asks to go on a walk at 1 in the morning and I am too tired and grouchy, I have to drop all my own thoughts and exhaustion and get up and go so that I can listen to whatever is on his mind.

I did once stage a police station visit after he shoplifted. I had the officers call him and pretend that he had to come in to speak with them or they might come to the house to take him in. But it was all from them, in his mind, the consequences of the world and not me.

I downloaded a lot of pamphlets from Drug Free America, they are cool looking enough that he was willing to read them. He had so many questions for me about what each drug did, etc., it was very hard to not get upset but I just tried to explain everything I could or show him the pamphlets, without judgement. I did always make it clear that I thought drugs were awful and dangerous and a waste of life but I just try to keep the lines of trust open so he will keep going to me.

I also befriended this homeless drug addict about five years ago, and whenever I see him, I ask him for advice about my S. Or if I am with my S when we see him, we stop and talk for a minute. This guy told me to remember that all I can give my S is love, because he is going to do what he is going to do, and my anger will only drive him toward that path more.

Sorry this is so long. I just felt really sad for both you and your D when you wrote about what you said to her. I have tried that route with students and my own kid many times. It doesn't work. Just listen to her. Just keep listening. Just tell her you love her. Tell her you hate drugs but tell her you love her and you trust her to find her path in her life. No kid will come to us out of obligation to family. They will only come to us because we are a refuge in the storm. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but your love for her is so strong, you will be able to do it!