I'd struggle to come up with a crisp definition of what emotional or psychological abuse is, but I know that H has been sarcastic, belittling, has called me names, has done nasty impressions of me while upset, has used the silent treatment (extensively), stonewalled, blame-shifted, gas-lit - at various points in our relationship and increasingly over the past couple of years. He can be quite manipulative and withdraw love and attention to punish me. I consider some of this stuff abusive and all of it unacceptable in the kind of marriage I want.
He is one of the most passive people I have ever met. He is extremely evasive when asked directly what he wants or what he thinks about something, then tends to blame me when he doesn't get what he wants. I'm more expressive and emotional, and tend to be able to say what I want a bit more readily, which means he's felt totally over-ridden and like he's not had any control or agency in our relationship. I can see how he'd think that, and I think I have used his fear of my emotions to control things sometimes, but I also think he's never taken adult responsibility for saying what he wants, and has blamed first his mother for that, then me.
However, I'm not a victim here. I know H would say that a lot of his abusive behaviours were reactions to or caused by behaviour of mine that he'd find abusive. Continuing conversations and arguments after he wanted them to stop, crying or being very upset in front of the children, shouting, asking for too much attention, talking when he wanted to sleep, following him to carry on a conversation when he wanted to leave the room, threatening to throw him out, threatening to leave, etc. As I'm a human being I am probably guilty of emphasising his misdeeds and minimising my own.
I'd say that our distancer-pursuer dynamic got really strongly entrenched, extreme and resulted in some unacceptable behaviour from each of us. I am trying to go 180 on pursuing but I don't think I've been consistent or perfect in this.
I am extremely ambivalent as to whether I want to continue the marriage or not. I feel better for not living with him. I'm crushed with sadness and grief some days, and full of hope at other times, but my general steady and calm feeling happens when I am not in contact with him. When I think about things rationally I see how much responsibility I am taking and how much attention I am paying to my personal growth. I don't see any of that in him at all. When he's not blaming me for his abusive behaviour he's blaming his external circumstances - his work (which does cause him stress) and I am buying that excuse less and less.
