She is not going to MC or IC individually with no willingness to work on the marriage.
Actually my W is in IC and has been for 3 months. My take is she's probably working on herself and disconnecting from the M.
So much other good stuff in your post, thanks. I don't think I'm ready to read your book recommendation, I'm just not sure it would help me right now when I'm trying to pick myself off the mat (where I was in April) and just be more positive and upbeat so I can prepare for the tsunami that's about to hit. Maybe when I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally. I'm aware I took things for granted, and could have handled things differently.
Your post makes so much sense to me, but I am still so confused how to implement the ideas. Specifically... how do you become happy and content, but yet show your W you are there for her, at the same time you are okay with things not working out that way? Someone wrote an early response to me about walking down a path and periodically shining a light back, in case your W wants to follow. But you have to keep going down that path. I love the poetry and it makes so much sense, but I struggle with the implementation. If we are in the kitchen talking about her day for 10 minutes, do I cut her off and leave? Do I continue to act empathetic? It is so confusing what exactly to do in specific situations.
We had a strange interaction last night. W came home after dinner with a colleague and was talking about ramping her career soon, where we need a nanny to watch D5 and D3 a couple days a week. She said there may be days where the nanny falls through and she might drop the kids at the neighbors, but wasn't sure what would work.
I said, "I will call in sick on those days to watch the girls, as long as I'm not on work travel."
W got angry and said, "OK but in the past when I was super sick you still HAD to go to work."
I responded calmly, "You are right, I wasn't there for you, I should have stayed home that day, and I'm sorry for that. Going forward, I plan to call in sick or WFH on days where you need help."
W responded, angrily, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." and then we proceeded to talk 20 more minutes about the school moms.
I felt pretty good about this interaction. I wasn't overly apologetic, but I acknowledged that I was thoughtless in the past. I was really level-headed about it, like "This is what I'm going to do going forward." We had a similar interaction a few weeks ago when I stayed home to watch my sick D5, and W said something like "You didn't do that before when I was sick" and she was clearly angry about it. I'm a little iffy whether I should have apologized last night, but I feel it was warranted and I kept it concise.
I'm not overly interpreting W's anger. Most likely she is just angry, and realizes she shouldn't be expressing her anger to me if she is trying to detach herself. Or maybe I am making progress and the anger is a good thing. I don't know... I felt great because I was not focused on the outcome, I was focused on myself, and I felt good about the fact that my plan going forward would be to be more supportive. Obviously I may not get that chance, but I'm doing what I can.
Regarding: The Friend Zone
If the D happens, yes, we do still need to co-parent and ideally be on friendly terms, and that would be my goal. I started to think about whether that is her goal or not, but with each day I'm so exhausted trying to figure out what is going on in W's mind that I need to stop, and focus on what I can control.
The Friend Zone is an interesting one. There are some things that, D or not, we will always need to talk about. The kids, school, etc. Then there are things that may change with D. I am starting to think about my boundaries here, planning for the future. For instance, right now, W will still talk about issues in her family (grandparents' health, issues with her mom), her career plans, how the school mom's treat her. I listen and I am empathetic, I don't offer much advice or try to problem-solve. I think she likes that part of our R still. Or maybe these are just the topics that are safe for us to discuss. Post-D, as friendly as I'd like to be, I feel like I will need to set a boundary that I will not discuss those things, that I am no longer her intimate partner in that way. As much as I want to be that shoulder for her, and offer opportunities to reconcile, I need to move on, and also show her that she needs to move on and show her what she is losing by leaving the M. Does that make sense?
... and yet at the same time, I feel like that would make it harder to reconcile. I guess maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse. Maybe once we reach that point, things will be much clearer for me.
