I was Put On Notice (PON?..... lol) 13 days ago, and leaped into learning mode. What I found is frankly terrifying (as everyone here already knows much better than I do).
I had the BD happen 5 days ago with the ILYBNILWY (I've only started to learn these acronyms, holy cow there's a lot).
I feel like I'm early in the process in that we still live together, eat together, still talk, and she hasn't turned into an outright monster (outwardly) yet. The breakdowns she's had when we've had these two MR talks (both initiated by her) are very genuine and confirm to me it's 100% a MLC (which I believe I know what stress set off).
I believe she is trying, but this is the slid where the original personality is overcome by this dark tunnel.
She has (at the BD) said she wants to go to consoling by herself, that she is overwhelmed by everything, and that she's a complete wreck and a bad wife. I have not accused, demanded, or applied pressure....... I told her we would go very very slow and create space for both of us to "find ourselves, fix ourselves, improve ourselves". And I see now, I made a lot of mistakes while thinking I was being a good husband. Really a big part of it was I got too soft.I deferred too much in this girl-power environment we live in. I wasn't decisive, wasn't assertive, and just wasn't as manly as I should have been. I didn't help clean like I should have. I would listen but I wouldn't hear. How terrible that it takes this for me to learn. It would have happened anyway because of issues in her childhood and stresses at work (I'm a part of the problem but I'm not THE problem). By and large, I'm a very good husband..... and now I have to grow and be a better person, and a better man. I relish the opportunity, but not the price which must be paid for it.
More than anything, I feel so bad for my W. She is losing her mind and is repeating what her mother did when she was 10. Horrible. I love her with all my heart, and in two weeks is our 21st anniversary.
I've started to work out again (I get addicted to fitness), returning to church after a long absence, and forcing myself to be open to new things. She is questioning why I'm putting up space between us, and I just say "I'm working on me". Next week I'm joining a gym again to take aerobics and spinclass. I'll be there many nights a week, and I'm not sure how she will react to not asking her if she wants to do it with me.
The tricky thing for me is, she seems mostly there still (for now)..... there is the classic "weirdness" going on..... she's getting a tattoo (never would have done that before), doesn't want to go to church (never would have done that before), perception of history is being magnified in negative ways (not too extreme yet), she's having bad feeling about her family (her dad in particular, which would never have happened in the past) and glorifying her mom's actions (which she would never have before). We still sleep in the same bed, live in the same house, cook and eat together, watch shows together. My touch makes her uncomfortable (I can tell), so I'm not touching her. I'm not sharing any problems I'm having and staying very positive for her (best face I can put forth).
So new to this process, but I'm learning voraciously. I don't want to miss an opportunity to work on this early if such a thing exists. I've seen people talk about "catching it early" and I'm not sure what that means.
For now, it's Church.... learning..... becoming more assertive & desirable & respectable...... and most of all spending lots of time with
