I still haven't been in touch with him. Still mulling things over. In terms of trust - I believe that he does want to repair things. He's been consistent about saying that for months. But I am feeling utterly despondent and tearful today. I am not sure a repair is possible. I don't think he has the communication skills - and we're going to need to talk honestly and openly about a lot of hard stuff. He's still in the stage where his reason for doing or saying anything is generally someone else's fault. I can't work with that. I don't want to work with that.
But even if he was able to communicate in a more adult way, there just seems such a lot to work through - so much hurt and anger and resentment. I feel a great sadness today because I am wondering if, deep down, it is really more loving and compassionate towards myself and towards him just to let go and move forward as positively as possible and with as much gentleness and respect as possible.
I am confident I could do that - and I think he would work with me on that. He's a childish man in many respects, but I think if we made the decision to end things, he would not be vindictive or cruel where finances or the children are involved. He's pretty selfish, but I can cope with that - I'm doing everything where the kids are concerned now so it could hardly be worse in practical terms.
I am not confident that a repair is possible. It feels too big and too hard. I don't need to decide anything today and I don't plan to. And I know agreeing to MC with him doesn't guarantee anything. I am just not sure I can put myself through it. We did it last summer and it was awful. I want to ask him what's different - what's changed since we went last summer - but he's so mean when I ask him things that he doesn't want to talk about that I don't dare ask him, and that's no basis to begin MC on.
