There may be more scammers on the free sites but then again, I think more newly single people are on the free sites, and the good ones probably get snatched up before they get to the point of paying for a site.
I'm a sucker for a well written profile, with good vocabulary, spelling and punctuation AND a good sense of humor. They don't have to write a novel but what they write should be entertaining or interesting. No pictures with their ex obviously cut out. No selfies in the bathroom mirror. And NO to the one guy who was wearing a bathrobe and holding a duck (a live one!), I still don't know what that was about hahahaha.
When in doubt, ask a good girlfriend to read them with you - she may see red flags that you do not.
I spent about a year or so (I don't remember) lurking on both the POF and MATCH sites. I originally thought like you do Juju that the paid sites imply that the person there is more serious. I don't know.
I found just lurking with a hidden profile for a while was a very healthy thing. I saw the people who cycled in and out. The ones who would have new profiles every month or so. The ones with the well written profiles, the ones with long lists of demands, the ones with the long list of complaints. The latter was a good guideline about what people were "not" looking for.
What I didn't have experience with was meeting the actual people. I'd done a fair bit of flirting and also dated a couple of women that I'd met the "old fashioned way".
As a guy especially in a rural area my experience was undoubtedly different than what you would have as a woman in an urban environment.
B and I have talked a fair bit about her OLD experience. Now her profile on POF was undoubtedly very low end. 2 pictures, one of which given her posted age looked like an old one (it wasn't) and one that was just badly copied off her phone. Her summary was 2 sentences including bad spelling (she has horrible spelling). But she got a lot of hits. She texted with and met a number of men. I believe only one (other than me) made it past the first coffee date. From what she told me, and I'm not too surprised, the bulk of mature men on there who would go for a profile like that are either desperate and clingy, or a 'player" who spams everyone hoping for a hit and a quick lay. As you may not recall, when I met B for the first time, she only looked vaguely like the profile picture she had - an immediate "no" for most of the guys who post on here at least. A number of the guys immediately acted as if connecting or one coffee date created an instant relationship and became quite demanding and controlling. Many were just looking for sex or an appliance that would cook and clean for them. A few of them ghosted her - IMO probably in part because of the profile mis-match.
The one that disturbed me and her the most was a guy who was very charming and said all the "right" things on date 1. Then on date 2 he essentially date raped her. I say essentially because B presents it as consensual even though she said it wasn't her idea, she was uncomfortable with it and didn't enjoy it. It turned her off OLD until February when she opened it on a whim and some pressure from friends and found me - who she had met briefly in person about 6 months earlier and remembered. She blasted me with messages in the middle of the night, the last few of which were - TBH - kind of sad - the "sorry for bothering you" sort. I took a fair chance - mainly because of some input here from KML - to look beyond the superficialities - and well - I just kissed her and sent her off to work. I'm working from home today.
I know of others who have had a good OLD experience connecting through there with people that they had met / knew outside and I know that's rare as unicorn f@rts.
---
In my own profile which got only a few hits after I unhid it, and B didn't even read other than double checking that the person she remember was me, was humourous, had the suggested types of photos, made it obvious that I was a stable guy with an appreciation for theatre, the outdoors in moderation, was a couple of extra pounds in size and that I liked pie. If I had worked it longer, would I have gotten more hits? No clue.
---
Where I'm trying to go in my usual meandering style is that OLD is risky, especially for a woman. One site vs another is no guarantee. The cost barrier is minimal and IMO meaningless. I've had single dinner dates that cost more than a year's subscription. Lurking I think is a good idea to get the flavour of who is out there on the different platforms in your area. And maybe guys who have a fondness for ducks can also be sweet, caring, responsible and funny. I like pie.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I met Sparky on POF. I think, for me, the key to OLD was to be very wary of who you were talking to and watch for red flags. My good friend college guy, who I posted about, also popped up on POF after his divorce and I KNOW he's a good guy because I have known him since I was young. Sparky is a good guy or I wouldn't marry him. So, my point is, good guys do exist on this dating sites...even the non-paying ones (neither Sparky nor I ever paid a dime for subscriptions to dating sites). You just have to be choosy. Like kml said above, I was a sucker for a good, well-written profile and I didn't like bathroom selfies or pics wearing sunglasses (what is it with guys wearing sunglasses in EVERY pic?). I'm educated and like to think I'm fairly intelligent so I wanted a profile that at least had some indication that the writer was the same way. Sparky's was excellent. It was witty, a bit sarcastic...right up my alley. He had 3 pictures, as I best recall: 1 kind of close up with a goofy expression, 1 of him in a boat fishing, holding a fish he had caught, and 1 full body pic that his daughter had taken a few months prior to his posting it.
I live in a rural area, so meeting people from my local area was difficult and the few I did meet seemed to be looking for a quick, no strings attached sex partner. It almost turned me off OLD altogether, but I hung in and like Andrew said, hid my profile so I could look without being inundated by bots and scammers. I was honest in my profile about being a big woman and my pictures were current and honest so I didn't get a lot of hits anyway and most I did get were some sort of scammer (those become obvious REAL quick). But I persevered and Sparky came along. One thing I did that I know some of the men on this board have posted about hating is, I didn't give my phone number or agree to meet real quickly. If someone wasn't willing to message with me and get to know me a bit that way first, then I didn't want to talk to them. That just didn't work for me. I'm not saying the men on our board are wrong, I'm just saying what worked for them didn't work for me. And, I'm sure it ran a few guys off but oh well. Obviously those weren't the right guys for me. Sparky and I messaged back and forth for several weeks and after about week 3, we exchanged e-mail addresses and communicated that way for a couple of more weeks. At that point, I felt confident in giving him my number and we texted. It was about a month and a half after we initially connected that we talked about meeting for the first time and then, as I have posted many times, his dad got sick and was hospitalized and ultimately passed away so it actually pushed our in person meeting back another month or so. But, during the time he was dealing with his dad's passing, we continued to stay in touch. He even told me that one of the reasons that he liked me and kept reaching out was that I seemed so genuine when I talked to him as he was dealing with his dad's passing, expressing my condolences, asking after his mother, etc.
It is a scary world but there are good people out there. If you decide to do it, just proceed with caution.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I did start lurking. It’s interesting and I wanted to see if there’s anyone out there I can see myself with. The problem is you really don’t know who someone is till you meet them. My imagination can fill in things that are not real about someone based on a witty profile and that’s bad too. So I’m not gonna read anymore. I’m gonna put myself out there in 2 weeks and see what happens.
This time around, I am not going to write to any guys. I did that with ex bf. He had told me he stopped writing to women cause he never got any responses and just basically took a passive approach and waited. Well, I realized that passive approach means lazy and it carried into our whole relationship. This time around, if the guy does not have the energy or courage to approach me first I just don’t want to be bothered.
I think I am also going to set a certain amount of dates to go on with different men before I settle down with 1. Maybe 10 mandatory? I tend to like relationships so it’s easy for me to get exclusive quick. (I’m not sleeping with anyone unless I sense exclusivity though)
One of the things I read from guys is that they are looking to be friends first before a relationship and I get that some might not want to rush into a serious relationship. But I think that’s code for friends with benefits? Meet ups would be better for friendship as opposed to a dating site, no?
Sometimes I initiated contact but truthfully most of the time I did not. When I was on Match I would sit back and wait for a woman to like me and then if I liked her I would send her an email. I did initiate contact with the Dr after she showed up in my daily matches though. I was dating for roughly 6 months before the Dr. and I met.
My advice would be to just take a date or a meeting for what it is. Don't go into it assuming or thinking it will turn into something more. It's a chance to get out of the house and meet someone out for drinks, coffee, or whatever. Maybe you like them or maybe you don't.
I probably spoke with 20 to 30 women and went out with 12 different ones before the Dr. At our age it is very easy to dismiss someone so IMO it just depends on what you are looking for.
My profile said nothing about being friends first. I also always went for the kiss every single time if I was attracted to the person. If I wasn't attracted they got a hug.
I think you should absolutely write to a man you are interested in if he states what he is looking for and you can truthfully say you meet that criteria. I give a woman extra points for reaching out because most do not like to initiate.
I would stay stay away from any guy who says he wants to be friends first. He’s either lying or he shouldn’t be on a dating site. He should be on meetups.com
As far as paid or non paid I do both and they both seem to fluctuate. You should probably do one of each.
I’m about 0-20 finding someone I want to go on multiple dates with so I definitely don’t think 10 is unreasonable.
J. The woman you initiated contact with, is the woman you ended up respecting and liking the most. I’m thinking a lot of guys (not all) consciously or subconsciously respect a woman more when they have to chase. When it’s not a sure thing. When dr withdrew, you mentioned your feelings for her intensified.
I’m not saying I’m going in with the intention of playing games. Ex bf loved me and wanted a future with me so what I did was not wrong. But i end up getting involved with men that aren’t right for me. My personality is not a personality that’s gonna do well with a guy that needs the woman to do all the work. I also was a bit too accepting of red flags or things that bothered me because I kept thinking, “well he’s not a cheater or drug user”.
This time around, I want a guy that’s more positive and that I have fun with. He would also have to be loyal and commitment seeking and financially responsible but at the same time generous and good with my son. Someone that’s intelligent - likes to read would be nice too (just putting it out to the universe) this time around I think we have to have more things in common. I dated before for the simple sake that ex was committed and loyal - thus safe, not because we were compatible.
I know I sound a little nutty and opinionated on these anonymous forums, but IRL I actually do well with things like dating and making good first impressions. I don’t think I have ever not been hired after an interview - and I tend to not get rejected on the short term (ex husband rejected me big time) . Someone here noted I’m a people pleaser and I think that’s why I do well but also what keeps me in relationships that are not right for me. I’m not a pushy person and I know how to keep things light and fun without pressure.
I think the guy should go in for the first kiss if he’s feeling chemistry but maybe not on the coffee or drink interview.
J - As a woman you can initiate, get the ball rolling, and then let the man do the work from there without pursuing. On Match for example you can initiate with a simple "like" of a man's profile and then let him take the ball and run with it.
I do agree though that being too available and a man knowing he has a sure thing can be a turn off. That is what I experienced with the Dr. which made me question how much a really liked her.
Honestly I would never meet a woman out for coffee on our first date. That said I could also not be with someone who didn't drink either.
Isn’t the first date in OLD more like a quick interview meet up? Make sure the person is who they say they are or fairly normal before you invest in an evening date?
Going out for a drink for me would mean an invested Friday or Saturday evening. So there’s a limit to how often I can fit that in. If I’m looking to meet different guys, a middle of the day coffee meet up or walk in a public area is easier and safer. I would have to reserve the drink evening meet ups for the guys I see more potential in. Or the guys I get a safer vibe from.
Night time Drink meet ups are harder for me as I’m a light weight and would never let a guy I don’t know pick me up or drive me home. I would basically have to nurse a watered down drink and hope the guy doesn’t slip something in it as I would be going by myself - so it does make it more dangerous. In my much younger single days I always went out with friends (guys included) that looked after each other. My son relies on me so I have to be cautious.
I’m just throwing out the female perspective and wondering what other women do.
I met the Dr. out on a Wednesday night for a couple of drinks about 3 miles from our house. We sat at the bar, chatted for about 2.5 hours and then made out in the parking lot for a few minutes. Our next date was 3 days later on a Saturday night. Meet him during the middle of the week for date 1 and if you like each other then have your second date on a prime time Friday or Saturday night.
I don't do coffee dates in the middle of the day because it is not romantic.
You can always Uber if you don't want to drive. I did not suggest to the Dr. or pick her up at her house until date #4.
