Unichen. You are definately in the friend zone, your W is preparing you to "be friendly" for co parenting. She is staging. She is not going to MC or IC individually with no willingness to work on the marriage. You're assessment is correct. She is only going to find clarity for herself and closure to make herself feel better from my experience. She has no intention on working on the M if she is being secretive, withholding feelings, being guarded, and emotionally unavailable and withdrawn to you.
Just based off my limited experience since I'm 7 months in, in the midst of sellung our home, and seperating.This is where it gets worse and becomes a balancing act of working on yourself, becoming being ambiguous to W that you are also not a "sure thing" but you are not done as well. You kind of have to make it non verbally clear that you are moving forward with your life, and she is welcome to reach out for your hand without you having to look back and ask for hers, which she most likely won't at this stage. You need to be non verbally clear that you are content, happy, but you will also not just be "her friend" even if its only for the sake of the kids. I have, well not struggled in front of my W, but with myself on clearly separating everything family related to set a precedence that I'm not going to entertain helping her manipulate me or fulfil her fantasy or desire to move me into the friend zone.
Its kind of like this. This is just my theory, and the vets are welcome to step in on this and correct me. Most women have checkboxes in a R and if you are not meeting most of them emotionally, romantically, sexually, physically, spiritually, and paternaly, whether it be due to life stresses, behavioral issues, work, kids, hobbies, personal choices or whatever, they are going to get these "feelings" that something is off. If they nit pick you constantly, feel a lack of trust with you, They are looking at life in the future at first debating with, or without you. They are going to feel "confused" or work more torwards certainty or clairity with IC why they feel this way, because they don't even understand. It is my belief that before or during BD when you get the "justification list" of all the things you weren't doing for them, it is them reasoning with themselves being done, justifying actions for leaving the marriage, because of lack of attraction, bad behaviors that caused it, etc. They don't see a future with you, and are paving the way to save themselves, their core emotional being, and pave the way forward without you. Hence the reason why they go cold, feel numb, say things like ILYBINILWY, "I have to find myself" etc. They eventually "thaw" and then decide to move away from the M. Stick you in th friend zone as plan b, and just for the sake of the kids. We are shocked because we never saw the warning signs. some of us were intimate rap until the point of BD, and saw the signs as nothing more than passing isolated issues. My w is currently convinced that we can be really good friends once we go through the separation and work on ourselves, that's something really good is going to come out of it but not as a couple any longer. She might be right. It pi$$es me off, but she might be right. but it's hard for a lot of us to accept that because we knew them as being romantical with them. Who the hell wants to go backwards and accept something different?
Because I'm starting to understand this more, it's giving me insight, but I'm still figuring out how to apply it and reverse it. I'm even questioning myself on whether I'm even interested in preserving this M. Some days I'm done and other days I'm not. You almost have to be indifferent towards your W. W are looking for father's, lovers, providers and friends. If you are not hitting all three, you are going to be friend zoned. As far as I'm concerned you are the man. You have to be the man as a father, a lover, and friend, and a husband. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to change their minds. They have to change it for themselves. once they decide to leave there's no going back in the wheels are in motion. They have to see you as a better option once they leave, and this is why it's critical you get to work on you and stop worrying about her. I don't know yet because I'm not all the way through the other side of this yet and early in my sich, and haven't made a lot of significant changes, but some, but I'm hoping that time apart which is now inevitable, has W that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and that in time W sees me as AMOAFWL. She does great? If she doesn't oh well? I'll be moving forward looking forward to things in my life alone and finding someone more compatible who appreciates me for me.
Does all this make sense? give should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft a read. I'm going to warn you it might make you feel guilty once you learn their mindset and all the things that you did wrong. But it's going to give you valuable insight. Towards the end of the book it's going to go into W moving forward, and finding new loves of their lives. rebuilding themselves independently and moving forward without you. Reading that may emotionally upset you cuz it's not what you want to think about what you want for your marriage. So read it in a private place. I'm really good at giving good advice on these things and horrible at following it myself. But Keep working on you. For you and try to learn to detach.
