[AndrewP]

I spent about a year or so (I don't remember) lurking on both the POF and MATCH sites. I originally thought like you do Juju that the paid sites imply that the person there is more serious. I don't know.

I found just lurking with a hidden profile for a while was a very healthy thing. I saw the people who cycled in and out. The ones who would have new profiles every month or so. The ones with the well written profiles, the ones with long lists of demands, the ones with the long list of complaints. The latter was a good guideline about what people were "not" looking for.

What I didn't have experience with was meeting the actual people. I'd done a fair bit of flirting and also dated a couple of women that I'd met the "old fashioned way".

As a guy especially in a rural area my experience was undoubtedly different than what you would have as a woman in an urban environment.

B and I have talked a fair bit about her OLD experience. Now her profile on POF was undoubtedly very low end. 2 pictures, one of which given her posted age looked like an old one (it wasn't) and one that was just badly copied off her phone. Her summary was 2 sentences including bad spelling (she has horrible spelling). But she got a lot of hits. She texted with and met a number of men. I believe only one (other than me) made it past the first coffee date. From what she told me, and I'm not too surprised, the bulk of mature men on there who would go for a profile like that are either desperate and clingy, or a 'player" who spams everyone hoping for a hit and a quick lay. As you may not recall, when I met B for the first time, she only looked vaguely like the profile picture she had - an immediate "no" for most of the guys who post on here at least. A number of the guys immediately acted as if connecting or one coffee date created an instant relationship and became quite demanding and controlling. Many were just looking for sex or an appliance that would cook and clean for them. A few of them ghosted her - IMO probably in part because of the profile mis-match.

The one that disturbed me and her the most was a guy who was very charming and said all the "right" things on date 1. Then on date 2 he essentially date raped her. I say essentially because B presents it as consensual even though she said it wasn't her idea, she was uncomfortable with it and didn't enjoy it. It turned her off OLD until February when she opened it on a whim and some pressure from friends and found me - who she had met briefly in person about 6 months earlier and remembered. She blasted me with messages in the middle of the night, the last few of which were - TBH - kind of sad - the "sorry for bothering you" sort. I took a fair chance - mainly because of some input here from KML - to look beyond the superficialities - and well - I just kissed her and sent her off to work. I'm working from home today.

I know of others who have had a good OLD experience connecting through there with people that they had met / knew outside and I know that's rare as unicorn f@rts.

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In my own profile which got only a few hits after I unhid it, and B didn't even read other than double checking that the person she remember was me, was humourous, had the suggested types of photos, made it obvious that I was a stable guy with an appreciation for theatre, the outdoors in moderation, was a couple of extra pounds in size and that I liked pie. If I had worked it longer, would I have gotten more hits? No clue.

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Where I'm trying to go in my usual meandering style is that OLD is risky, especially for a woman. One site vs another is no guarantee. The cost barrier is minimal and IMO meaningless. I've had single dinner dates that cost more than a year's subscription. Lurking I think is a good idea to get the flavour of who is out there on the different platforms in your area. And maybe guys who have a fondness for ducks can also be sweet, caring, responsible and funny. I like pie.