My 5th teenager.

[DnJ]

Hello E

That exchange with D16 sounded stressful. Teenager do get darn disrespectful at times as they rebel against their authority figures. As much as that hurts, it is a good and healthy release for them. It is how they grow. We just need to keep them more or less out of harms way and trust they have good instincts.

You said D16 is experimenting with drugs (weed from a follow up post). So not using habitually or heavily - just experimenting. Pretty standard stuff this day in age, unfortunately.

D16’s comment about suicide and you making her feel like sh*t, came during a “setting boundaries” talk. A boundary discussion is not expected to, and isn’t going to, go over well with a teenage daughter (or son for that matter). Her blowing up at you sounds normal. Well more or less. I am guessing a bit on the boundary talk. Boundaries are usually more serious, so talks about that might get some emotions stirred up, and things yelled in the heat of the moment.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff. Let me explain and share a little story.

My son came home one weekend and shared with me how he had experimented with weed. I was immediately p!ssed at that. Seriously, after all I’ve done you go and do something stupid like that. That was my first feeling towards what he brought up.

However, I held my emotions in check, and kept my mouth shut. I knew I would get emotional highjacked otherwise and that would not be good. I got in my “intellectual car” and kept the emotions out of this conversation.

Holding back my irrational feelings took around 10 minutes - and they do fleet away - if you let them.

Looking and discussing this topic in a rational and reasoned (intellectual car) manner yielded pretty cool results.

I let him tell me all he wanted. I actively listened, participated in the conversation, and asked many questions. It was a very good talk. Realize - he trusted me enough to talk to me about it. To share what he had done. That is a pretty big deal!

Your D16 just did the same thing. Her yelling at you, she is sharing very big feelings and emotions from inside herself. Listen to her. Actively.

I questioned son about where he got the weed. He bought it off some guy on the street. (Yikes!) I offered a suggestion of buying weed from an authorized and official dispensary. You know what your getting, and you are not in the company of a criminal drug pusher who may be rather desperate. You see weed has been decriminalized here in Canada, for personal use. There are many limitations and restrictions on usage and amounts. The selling and buying is supposed to be from a proper store.

Now, that was pure intellectual car right there. An emotional car response would have been much different, and ended with much different results.

As difficult as this is: Your D16, my D16, S18, S20, and S22 are going to do what they are going to do. I believe you are like me and would rather they do it safely and in the open - not some dark alley. Don’t force them into hiding.

I do not particularly like drug use. However, I will submit that my prejudice is from 50 years of it being illegal. So, I can, and I do, see that proper usage is akin to drinking. Now over use and overdose is much easier to fall victim too than with alcohol - one tends to throw up rather quickly if over doing it. Well at least the beginners, and that is a big difference in drugs vs booze. Something to discuss with teenage daughter and sons.

My son share his entire experience with me. All the crazy high he had. It was very funny and very harmless. Apparently at one point he could actually see sounds, each producing a different colour. Me listening, not jumping him, not judging, being supportive and paying attention alleviated some of my misunderstood fears and brought son and I closer together. Besides it already happened, not much to be gained in me freaking out now.

He openly needed to share this. He said is was crazy. The experience was wild. I agreed telling him it sounded pretty wild. He asked me, and I told him about my drug experiences as well.

This defused his forbidden fruit desire towards this. Not that forbidden was the primary motive with this. When asked, he told me he was just curious what weed was like, and he wanted to try it.

Now, D16 is well 16. Not an adult. Her and I have had discussions as well about drinking and drugs. The main point being, be safe and call for a ride. Do not drive home, I absolutely promised her (all the kids when they turned 16) I would not ever be mad about them calling for a ride - no matter the reason or time. I’ve always kept my word, and we would talk about it the next day.

D16, your’s and mine, in less than two short years will be adults. They are already becoming young women, and growing up, probably faster than either of us wants, or at times, realizes.

E, don’t sweat the small stuff.

There is much worst out there than a little unwanted weed experimenting. Let your feelings flit away a little. Look at this with just intellect, sans emotion.

D16 knows you care, it’s the reason she is venting at you. Have open honest discussions, those difficult conversations, most feelings and fears will just go up in smoke.

My son and I talked, laughed, shared, for an hour or so. He was very comfortable, and I asked a lot of questions. He answered them, never realizing just how different thing could have went if I just blew up at the start. He heard my questions and concerns. At the end of all this, son told me he doesn’t see himself smoking weed too often. It was interesting, just not his thing. He’s sticking with rum.

I understand how painful the hurting is - “like h@ll” is very apt. I can see the anxiety, concern, and fear from the past events regarding S20 and his moving in with Dad. Do not let the fear rule you or this situation. Look at things rationally, intellectually. Uncouple that emotional response from the possible future event. It is difficult, and completely within your power to accomplish.

E, I truly hope this helps.

(((exquisitetobe)))

DnJ