Right now, at least, I still don't see this as inevitable at all. I think it's foolish, bad for everyone, and completely unnecessary.
What got us to August 2018 was the fault of both of us, and I'd even say my fault somewhat more. But I believe that the decision to shut down the marriage in every way except actually filing for D is entirely on my wife. It's not what I want. I was willing to face my flaws and work on them, she was too busy convincing herself she'd never done a single thing wrong in her life and all would be fairies and unicorns if only she could be free of me.
Agree 100% that my way is leading to anger and resentment, both of which I have plenty of these days. Perhaps for reasons unique to my situation, I'm not at all confident that S or D will lead to peace, contentment, or happiness. In the short- to medium-term, at least, it's likely to get worse before it gets better. I can't control it, so I guess I better find a way to accept it.
I feel exactly the way you do, Niall. D is not what I want. I want to work on the issues. I want to fix my flaws, I want to go to MC and work hard, together, with my W. I have anger and resentment that she resists. (Keep in mind I haven't had the BD yet, but I know it's coming in the next 1-2 months). I think S or D will lead to unhappiness. I fight anger and resentment.
The last thing you said is exactly right - you can't control it, you can only accept it, and work on yourself. All the blaming (either of yourself, or your W, or both) and resentment and anger, although completely understandable and part of this process, will not help you. Focus on things that are helpful to achieving your personal goals.
