Niall 2: Drifting Apart

[Niall11]

Believe me I understand your motivation. Just please try and listen to someone who has already been down that road- you need to let go of that need to understand. It will just eat you up. A lot of us male LBS's that end up here are very intelligent, analytical types. We feel like we need to understand and make sense of it and apply logic to it. But a WAS is driven purely by emotions that they typically don't even understand themselves. It just doesn't make sense and it never will.

Thanks. Guilty as charged on analytical. I've spent a fair amount of time figuring out what I need to improve in myself. I do feel like having had a flash of insight (potential insight?) into her end of it has made me feel a little better.

You can choose to see it that way. Personally I think it's much healthier if you choose to see it as a change in your life that may be against your will, but was inevitable. Your situation changed, your marriage changed, and it got to the point where it could no longer be sustained. You think it's your W's fault? She would probably tell us it's your fault. The healthiest thing for YOU is to let go of the blame, accept your situation and make the best of it. Your way will lead to anger and resentment. My way will lead to peace, contentment, and eventually happiness. How do I know? Because I've already walked the walk.

Right now, at least, I still don't see this as inevitable at all. I think it's foolish, bad for everyone, and completely unnecessary.

What got us to August 2018 was the fault of both of us, and I'd even say my fault somewhat more. But I believe that the decision to shut down the marriage in every way except actually filing for D is entirely on my wife. It's not what I want. I was willing to face my flaws and work on them, she was too busy convincing herself she'd never done a single thing wrong in her life and all would be fairies and unicorns if only she could be free of me.

Agree 100% that my way is leading to anger and resentment, both of which I have plenty of these days. Perhaps for reasons unique to my situation, I'm not at all confident that S or D will lead to peace, contentment, or happiness. In the short- to medium-term, at least, it's likely to get worse before it gets better. I can't control it, so I guess I better find a way to accept it.