Had a good day today. Tried to put everything out of my mind and just live my own life, which was easier today than it has been the past few days. Now it is evening and I'm thinking about what H said last night and I feel pretty thrown.

I guess I am happy that he's taken this concrete action and done it without my asking him. It's a big deal. I think my hanging back and saying I'd think about it was the best thing, and I need more time to think about it. But if I am going to go ahead, I want him to set up the appointments. I am more flexible than he is. I also want us to be splitting the cost 50/50.

I am hugely doubtful he has the ability to communicate without blame and viciousness nor to respond to my asking for anything without blame-shifting, point scoring or other types of evasion. I am so done with the way he communicates. We can be cordial enough so long as I don't set any boundaries. Any hint of 'no' or 'that isn't acceptable' and he returns to old patterns. I've seen small changes and a moderation in the level of spite and contempt, but it is still there and I am still scared of it and my fear still shapes my behaviour. Repair isn't possible until he learns to do differently and I learn not to be afraid. Still, perhaps a good MC might help teach him that.

I am doubtful of my own ability not to get emotional and reactive and, in my own way, shut him down when he says things I find upsetting or frightening. Or try to manage his moods from my fearful place. I'm not sure I am 'there' yet. I am working on my 180s but I don't yet feel I am strong enough to draw a strong boundary and that I'd be consistent in refusing to accept unacceptable behaviour from him (or myself). But as above, perhaps a good MC might help teach me that, and I am addressing all of this in my IC.

I don't trust him. I worry he's up to something. But I have trust issues I need to do more work on aside from whether he's being honest or not. If we are to ever end up piecing things together, then I am going to need to dig deep and find some trust - and so is he - and I am not sure what signs I should be looking for in him or myself to know he and I are both ready to do that.

I don't think I'll see him until the weekend - maybe not even then.