Niall 2: Drifting Apart

[Wanted1]

Like everyone says, its a marathon not a sprint. They need to go through the process and realize it's them not us that create their unhappiness. Eventually, I would think they will open their eyes to the fact that every relationship they enter into after us goes down the same path and they are the common denominator. But, maybe not. The good news is, at that point, we don't have to deal with it anymore!

I don't see that as good news, I see it as an absolute tragedy. I've often read on here that the LBS ends up in a better place than the WAS because the BD and DB process force introspection and an effort at self-improvement. The WAS is not going through the same process. I think it's really unfortunate that a once-happy couple is destroyed and kids' family live changed forever because one person isn't willing or able to self-examine.

What I mean by good news is that you wouldn't have to deal with someone who's unhappy and resentful. The only way that changes is if they make the conscious effort to change and look inwardly at their problems and want to change. The operative word there is WANT. That takes a long, long time. You are right, it is an absolute tragedy. It pains me that I'm part of the D statistic now. I never, ever wanted my kids to be part of a broken household/family. But, we have to realize and acknowledge that it takes two people to make a relationship work. And you, just like me, can only control one.

We, as the LBS, get our worlds' rocked and therefore, we are the stronger person in the relationship since we acknowledge, to some extent, our deficiencies in our relationship/marriage. While DB is for us, ultimately, we all start the process hoping to bust the divorce as the name suggests. We start out doing the things we learn here in hopes that it will turn our situation around. It didn't turn mine around and unfortunately, I'm in the majority there.

I'm getting pretty windy here so I'll try to land the plane....you aren't going to do anything that makes her change. That has to come on her own volition. In reality, that should be how you want it to be. Do you really want to continue to manage and deal with the resentment and unhappiness of a spouse? The projection, gas lighting, blame shifting, etc? Some people can maybe make that work. I couldn't. I am free from the constant 'what-if' questions that would consume my mind 24/7. I don't have to wonder anymore if she's actually agreeing with what I suggest and say or if she's holding back her own opinions and what she really thinks. You need to let her go so she can do her own self-discovery while you do yours. Otherwise it'll be same song, second verse.