She even looked into a book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Boarderline or Narcissistic personality disorder.
I found this book in my house recently. I was devastated.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
A lot of books on emotional abuse give good insight on behaviors you may or may not be aware you are doing. But I am also going to say this. I believe once a WAS is repulsed by you for whatever reason. (Lack of attraction, didn't pay her enough attention, insert whatever justification.) They will ingest all of this material IMO, feel empowered, validated, and justified in putting a label to their "treatment of victimization" and have us shoulder all the blame for everything in the marriage. Try to be aware if your behaviors that do apply whether intentionally or unintentionally and 180 on them. Be nice, play nice, be firm and assertive, but maintain composure and emotions at all costs. Think Patrick Swayze from Road House. BE NICE Just don't be a doormat.
You said a lot in your response that resonates with me.
I have been wondering the last few months: Am I emotionally abusive? Am I BPD? And can I answer these questions with honesty?
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
In the last month I read 2 books about emotional abuse: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, and Stop Hurting the Woman You Love. I do match in specific ways:
Core fears: Fear of losing the relationship, insecurity
Triggers: W spending time with people other than me (kids, family, friends)
Tactics: Over-texting W, over-communicating, pressing her for reassurance, anger/poutiness/moodiness
Mostly in the past 2 years I have exhibited possessiveness. Frequently saying ILY expecting a response in kind, frequently bringing up affection, assuming she doesn't love me if we are not physically intimate. I have felt entitled at times, and angry, and I have minimized the impact to our M.
As you pointed out, once that worm works its way into your R, the labeling begins. I have been accused of having a PA, of using financial control (which is just not true), of using distance and space as punishment (when I was trying to give her space because I thought she wanted it) and other power/control tactics which I have not used. At the time I was hurt, stung, and a bit angry. But... now I understand. I understand how once you start being emotionally abusive, then everything you do can be tainted with it. It is a poison that infects the whole M. I don't hold this against my W, it is her truth. If she is seeing our M through the lens of emotional abuse, it is her valid experience, and I shouldn't complain because I gave her the glasses.
You also hinted at the fact that once you admit to emotionally abusive behavior, it's easy to start thinking you are 100% to blame. That's just not a useful thought, even if your S believes it, because it will lead nowhere good. In fact, assigning any % of blame is not a useful thought, as others have pointed out to me. For months I felt wholly responsible and hence felt lower than dirt. No self-esteem. Feeling unfixable. I'm screwed up from my childhood and there's no fixing it. Nobody will love me. Nobody *should* love me. My kids are going to be screwed up too. I ruined my W's life. I ruined my kids' lives. No thoughts of self-harm or anything, but just feeling like a total POS. Again... not useful thinking.
The more useful thought to me is... I did some emotionally abusive things, horrible, awful. That's not WHO I AM. I can change, I am a good person, I have some unhealthy issues and attitudes and thoughts that drove these behaviors -- I can change. I can change the attitudes and thoughts, and I can also change my actions/words/behaviors.
BPD
Whether or not I have BPD, my W may think that I do.
I do think my W treats me differently now. I am aware of the advice on how to interact with someone with BPD traits. And that is how she has been treating me -- with distance, detachment, lack of affection, don't poke the bear, etc. I feel managed. It is upsetting, but I also understand and have empathy. It makes me wonder if DR will be useful in this case, because I am also detaching, etc. There is such little room for emotion in our relationship. As hurt as I was when I found the book, now I am more understanding (still a WIP for me). I get it. She deserves to feel safe, protected, secure, and I have not provided that. Strangely it is helping me detach, and be more positive. You could almost say my W is giving me a gift?!
***
You were hinting at something else I have been thinking about. W and I went 13 years of knowing each other without me getting emotionally histrionic. Then we made a huge life decision 2 years ago. We moved for job reasons, with 3 little kids, away from family. It disrupted our lives in many ways.
I handled this by wanting more emotional support from my W. I was admittedly needy and pouty and demanding. See above on Emotional Abuse. Her reaction was the opposite. She wanted space, she offered little to no reassurance, it triggered me to seek more reassurance. It was a positive feedback loop. She has a different personality style, and that is completely okay. The more she withdrew, the more I pursued. She was so cold and distant at times where I just wanted a hug. Then I would give space and she would complain I was distant. Things got confusing fast. She seemed angry when I approached so I gave space. Looking back I wonder if the space I gave her was interpreted as coldness. In retrospect I should not have been so confused maybe? Maybe once she saw me as a person capable of emotional abuse, the whole R turned. I regret not apologizing earlier. Now I have written 3 apology letters and received no response. It feels too late.
I feel like I am changing, that I am letting go of my dreams and expectations, that although I want to jump up and say "Honey I've changed! I will no longer demand affection, I respect your needs and I apologize for what I did before and I am a whole, more healthy person!" -- the reality is this may be a lifelong process. I should have stopped the behavior before it became problematic. I let my emotions take hold, I dumped my emotions onto her (I like the term emotional contagion for this). I did want to control her behavior, I wanted her to want to be with me, to be more affectionate, to ask how my day was, to check in on my during the day, to go on more dates. I wanted us each to be each other's #1. I don't regret wanting those things, but I have tons of remorse for how I behaved and acted when I did not get those things. And I am living with the consequences. The reality is, she was adjusting to the move too, and probably depressed and worried about the future, and I was not receptive to what she needed. Maybe she was quiet, but I am her H, and I could have done so much more to meet her needs.
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
What I can say is that not only on just your personality type, but your childhood upbringing, and how you were raised, some of the things you unawaringingly carry over from your parents eventually seep out in your marriage, and the dysfunctional dynamics of how you interact sometimes with your spouse
So true. I am estranged from my parents at the moment (3 years running), mostly because of my mom's BPD/NPD traits that made having a healthy relationship with proper boundaries impossible. BTW there is a great book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" which has a ton of great insights, I have re-read it a couple times (not just for BPD/NPD, but just emotionally immature parents in general). I have much deeper understanding of how my parents' emotional distance influenced my own beliefs, attitude, and behaviors. For instance, I always wanted to be emotionally close in my M, as a reaction to how I was raised, so distance is a huge trigger for me.
The insights are great, but in fact the DR techniques I find much more useful. MWD even says this -- insights lead to understanding, but not always behavioral change. Do this, stop doing that. Concrete actions. My mindset is gradually evolving - I can tell it's going to take months, years - but I can sense the changes and I'm feeling positive for the first time in awhile (in the middle of the 5 stages I'm going through in parallel). I'm feeling better realizing I need to own my own happiness and really work on myself, or I will not be a good R partner (or father) going forward.
