I understand that Alison, but he is divorcing me. So my giving him space is the end of our relationship. I just can't even believe this is happening to me!
Yeah the thing is when you learn about DB, the 180, doing the opposite is usually a better idea than doing what you think you should do. This stuff is counter intuitive.
I should say that he won't let me get rid of the cameras. He has them all over the house, and he has been using them to spy on me (though I don't know why). I'm sure I've said things in anger that he could replay. I was quite upset after the BD. I unplug them and he plugs them back in. I am trying not to fight with him, and this will turn into a fight.
I don't think you have much choice. There's no way you're going to be able to talk him out of divorcing you. And even if you did, he'd only resent you for it afterwards. How much time he spends with his mother, where he lives and whether he is married to you or not needs to be a choice he makes on his own, in calmness, after getting his head straight. if you put pressure on him, he'll run and rush a divorce. Stand back. Hold on to yourself because attempting to force or convince him to stay married in order to manage your own panic is exactly the wrong thing to do.
The cameras thing is troubling. If he moves out, you can just get rid of them. I don't see why you wouldn't just get rid of them anyway. You don't consent to being filmed in the privacy of your own home. The intensity of his need to monitor you is very strange. Do you have concerns about his mental health?
I guess it feels like giving up on my marriage. I don't want to get to the point of strangers, but that is where we are headed. I'd like to keep him in my life, but he's slipping away. If I just sit there and work on myself, how will he even know?
Or is this just the end of my marriage? I see a lot of people saying their marriage ended. How is that Divorce Busting?
It does feel totally counter-intuitive, doesn't it?
I think the old marriage is dead. You'll have to let go of it, mourn it, then see where you are and if your H is willing to rebuild a new one much later on. In the meantime, you have to detach from him, stop trying to control him and take care of yourself. It's super hard. Probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life.
I do have concerns about his mental health. This whole situation is traumatic for him, and I don't understand his need to monitor me either. He only started doing this when we began to fight.
This is not his normal behavior. I will be happy to sell the house and move, truthfully, except that since he changed his number and deleted his FB there is no real way that I will ever communicate with him unless he comes back.
I think the loving thing to do is accept that. He doesn't want to talk to you. You don't have to accept being filmed. He's probably going through some seismic stuff in his head with his birth mother and you have to give him space. Divorces and house sales take time and right now he's panicking. Just move away from him and take care of yourself.
What things have you said that might have triggered his wish to film you? Did you act in a threatening way? Could he be trying to protect himself or gather evidence for a divorce? I don't know where you are, but in the UK there are laws about coercive control which would deal with this kind of thing.
I haven't said or done anything except cry and ask him to give me a second chance. He said he doesn't want my friends in HIS house, but I am lonely because I don't have anyone, no kids.
He is rushing the divorce as quickly as possible and since we don't have kids it could be quick. The house may take a bit more time, but he says he wants to sell it as quickly as possible.
We have talked a few times about putting the divorce on hold for 6 months to a year to see where we are. He said I must continue counseling. He will not go. He did say that the divorce papers are wrong and we do get along most of the time. I feel like in many ways admitting my wrong and accepting what he wants to do, but telling him I don't want a divorce, has started to work.
If I agree to a divorce how is that ending my divorce? And I do want to be married to him. He is an amazing man in so many ways and a perfect fit for me.
You don't have to agree to a divorce. You can say, once, very calmly, 'I don't want this and I think there are other solutions to our problems,' and then you can do nothing. Step back. Stop convincing him and talking to him about the relationship. Doing what you're doing now isn't working, is it? The man isn't a perfect fit for you if he doesn't want to be married to you and he insists on filming you without your consent.
I can definitely do that. He is the one that brings up a lot of this stuff. I have stopped bringing it up. He asks me to sit down with him and the attorney, so I say, I don't want a divorce. He asks about our church and I tell him that I have not badmouthed him and I have admitted that I contributed to the problems.
He normally doesn't act like this with the filming. This is out of the ordinary. I don't know if it is because he is conflicted or looking for an excuse to divorce me.
