Niall 2: Drifting Apart

[Niall11]

I realized that W remains a follower. Two incidents made me see this clearly.

First, on Saturday I went to our friends' 50th anniversary party. W had put more dancing with New BFF on the calendar for 9, but then asked me to take D2 to the party or come back early so she could leave by 7. I told her the party started at 5, it would be too crowded for D2, and I planned to be home by 7:30 to put D2 to bed.

She said it was her problem (too right) and she'd figure it out. Then said she didn't need to go to the advance lesson and her thing was at 9 after all. Problem solved. So of course, starting at 7, she was texting me every 10 seconds saying she had to go. I came home at 7:30 as announced, and I never saw her blow out the door faster. The panicked look on her face reminded me of when my impossible boss wanted me there at 6 a.m. and I was running late. It hit me that New BFF, from what I've seen, is very demanding and needy of W's time, and is 100% the boss in that relationship.

Then, Sunday morning:

W: Why did you buy more Pop Tarts?
Me: B/c I like having Pop Tarts sometimes.
W: OK, but I shouldn't eat them.
Me: Then don't eat them. Want me to hide them?
W: It's just that they're so convenient when I'm running late in the mornings, but I haven't worked out in months...

And it hit me like a freight train. She was working out every day, going to rock climbing gyms and obstacle course gyms, and bikram yoga gyms, because Original BFF was a workout fiend and they were inseparable last fall. Without Original BFF driving it, wife doesn't work out. New BFF, a relationship that in my view is way too much way too soon to be healthy, is a dance instructor but hates the gym. So now it's dancing 4 nights a week.

All the times I'd ask W where she wanted to go for dinner and she said, "I don't know, you pick, I picked last time" (she hadn't) came flooding back. She latches on to a person and never, ever wants to disappoint that person. She is not good at telling anyone what she really wants. I know she loves sushi and would suggest a Japanese restaurant, she'd say no because she didn't believe I really wanted to eat that. Then, years later, text Original BFF furiously about how I never "let" her eat sushi. Original BFF, the most biased of shoulders, would respond, "OMG, how selfish of him."

W is, in effect, now punishing me for her own past inability to assert herself or differentiate. But she's repeating the same pattern in her other relationships. Not that W doesn't like the dancing, or didn't like the workouts. But it's still someone else setting the agenda and her tagging along like a puppy dog, and one day she'll realize that and resent it.

Another note: W's parents lived 2,000 miles away when D2 was born. Shortly after moved very close to us. The couple celebrating the 50th anniversary had housed W's parents for 6 weeks when our baby was born. On their own initiative because they knew space was tight at our place. They also organized a surprise baby shower for W with 50 people invited. We got practically everything on the registry that night. So I think it says a lot about W that she never even considered going to their 50th anniversary party. Selfish, selfish, selfish.