I'm not sure you're going to make much progress with H or yourself until you go dark on him. I think his main relationships are with his work and booze, and he is using you to comfort himself against the loneliness and dissatisfaction those choices have given him. And when the comfort isn't comforting enough, then he blames you for that. I don't think anything will change at all until he gets a really strong experience of what life is like alone with his bottle and his job and without a wife who is content to be picked up and put down as it suits him. I think it's great you called him out on his behaviour and everything you said to him is fair and reasonable but the words are kind of hollow without action. There's no real boundary or consequence for him, is there? He treats you abysmally then says he wants to see you on Friday, and there you are.
