Unichen and Ironwill. Have you been living in my house? I am in the same exact circumstances as you. My WAW is a behavioral specialist. I found out back in Jan she was having an IA/EA online with Chris Soules from The Bachelor. She was also looking into briefly Child Custody Laws, but gave up on it. I also found emails of hers writing to newspapers article publishers, about me being bi polar, which I am not, have never been, nor never diagnosed for such, despite seeing multiple mental healthcare providers, LSCW's, Psychodiagnostics for learning impairments, Auditory Specialists for learning and hearing impairments, and Neuro Assessment, over the course of our marriage in the last 10 years to assess some of my mild ADD characteristics, and work performance. I started looking into this within our first two months of marriage when I was laid off from my new job for something beyond my control.
W even went as far over the last year to enroll in an emotionally abusive course online. She has also looked into whether I wether bi polar people are eligible for retaining firearms. Being a 2nd amendment supporter, and firearms owner, since discovering all of this, I have moved mine out of the house to someplace safe during IHS. Ironically she is still retaining her firearms, after I advocated she learn how to become proficient with it for 3 years until BD, and now wants to learn how to use it with younger brother's ex GF who is now divorced, whom my WAW is hanging around with ALOT. She even looked into a book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Boarderline or Narcissistic personality disorder. I have read so much stuff on narcissist empath conflict that for the most part, unless you are malignant on these things, anyone can have small tendencies. But i notice the "relationship script" always victimises and props up the empath who are typically women, but not always
Around Dec I took the initiative to read one of my W's books that she never read called The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. Good book. Gave me a lot of insight to some behaviors I was unawaringly doing. I made a commitment to 180 on a lot of the ones I eventually realized I was doing. After reviewing my Neuro health records from 10 years ago, it was noted that I may have slight characteristics of BPD. So I Iooked into it further, and decided to take action. I am seeing a BPD coach for emotional regulation. It has been helping as a journaling outlet, and changing limiting thought patterns.
Despite my personality being pretty normal, fun, exciting, flamboyant and a little loud and bubbly. Under stress or when emphasising something. I have a tendency to get a little loud, adamant and firm at times. I decided to get introspective not only about some of my own behaviors, my emotional style, temperament, habits, etc.
I can be repeatedly critical of others when their habits and lack of consideration affects my time, organization, and convenience. (I can only say it nice so many times.) I have since stopped that, and just leave wife messes for herself to clean with no more criticism. My temperament is relatively even, with an occasional flare up. As I have detached, gone to therapy and have been introspective, I have been much more emotionally centered. DB principles, validating and therapy has been helping me hold back verbalizing emotions that do not serve a good purpose. I deal with them by writing and journaling the specific side of me, or behavior I am having an issue in getting centered, balanced, and revealing. Its good practice for emotional integration.
I find it amazing and amusing how some sensitive personalities can consider other personalities, just because they are loud and a little flamboyant, to be toxic and abusive, just because one is more openly emotional, and the other is more reserved. I still honestly believe that there are personality types out there that can blend, clash, or accomplish both with couples. Some people have better control over their emotions than others in intimate relationships. My idea of talking loud, maybe someone else's idea of yelling. I have been a little verbally abrasive in the past, but IMHO not abusive. But with the other WAS its all about their perception. There are many other perceptions to me that are quite askew that we don't agree on with related issues as well.
A lot of books on emotional abuse give good insight on behaviors you may or may not be aware you are doing. But I am also going to say this. I believe once a WAS is repulsed by you for whatever reason. (Lack of attraction, didn't pay her enough attention, insert whatever justification.) They will ingest all of this material IMO, feel empowered, validated, and justified in putting a label to their "treatment of victimization" and have us shoulder all the blame for everything in the marriage. Try to be aware if your behaviors that do apply whether intentionally or unintentionally and 180 on them. Be nice, play nice, be firm and assertive, but maintain composure and emotions at all costs. Think Patrick Swayze from Road House. BE NICE Just don't be a doormat.
My W is having an MLT, (Mid Life Transition) doesn't acnowkege or empathize with anyone else's position but her own, doesn't know who she is, where she is going, what she wants to do, how much she wants to make, who she wants to be, how to be happy, or where to live. But apparantly I am to blame for it all. It all literally changes by the week now. Last 7 months she wanted to quit her job because she wasn't happy, and wanted to work from home. Today she tells me she's getting a raise and she's staying. You can't fix them, nice them, mean them, convince them. Just let them go. Be happy, do happy, plan happy for you. They have to figure out they're dynamics, trauma, childhood, path, life, etc. I'm starting to believe their initial BD justification list is nothing more than faults that any human being could have at any point in their life. They just needed reasons and validation to their feelings that they can't event explain why they are feeling. But... If you have behavioral issues. Do 180 them.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. What I can say is that not only on just your personality type, but your childhood upbringing, and how you were raised, some of the things you unawaringingly carry over from your parents eventually seep out in your marriage, and the dysfunctional dynamics of how you interact sometimes with your spouse
