Expecting BD soon...

[Adam04]

U,

Listen to LH.

This is going to be a long ride and you need to pace yourself and breathe. There is a lot to learn and as time goes on, you pick up on more and more.

I had a gazillion things to respond with but it is a bit much and overbearing. MWD says that it only takes one to make change and it can start with you. You change yourself, you change the dynamic between you and others.

How does that relate?

Example is your W disrespecting you about the video. She disrespects, you say sorry, you tried etc etc. As the man, you need to know when to stand up to your W and get your b@lls back and the way to do it. Not yelling or cursing or threating. You can set a boundary. Read up on Sandi's posts. There are red flags with your W. Being secretive, resentment, disrespect.

You start to stand up for yourself and set your boundaries, it changes the dynamic between you and W.

LH pointed this out immediately and I noticed it too. It has everything to do with respect or lack thereof.

So from your reply to mine, you say you don't blame your W but you do have some resentment towards her. Any way you word it, you have negative energy you need to let go. Right now you're feeling like it's W fault and she is feeling like this is yours. How do you objectively fix this? You don't. Give it time and space. Cool off.

I know sometimes things can be taken to extremes and we can only express so much online where the true meaning of things can get confused with something else. I see deflection right now and I see confusion. You need to understand your W feelings are real to her. That book she has about YOU being narcissistic is real to her. Even though you say your IC cleared you of this, IMO it doesn't help anything between you two. It may make matters worse because now in your head you know its not your fault. There's a thing about being Mister Right all the time, he's not very good with women.


In your posts, there is a lot of struggling with the emotions. Another good book you want to read up on to identify behavior to work on is the NO MORE MR NICE GUY book. You need to drop the fear and stop being afraid. As the man who needs to be the rock, the logical thinking person right now in the relationship you need to stop being too emotional. Think and act. Stop feeling. I know it's hard but you need to do it for yourself. Google, ask here. find ways.

I understand where you are coming from. You want to bust the divorce but feel like it was some sort of click bait. There is no magic bullet, no quick process. There's other programs out there and you wonder which one to follow.

You pick a plan that you think is right and you go all in. This process is counter-intuitive and its hard to grasp in the beginning. What is right doesn't feel right. Letting go for a chance to get back can sound so backwards.

I'm curious what you did wrong?

Short answer? Everything.

You should be aware that there are root causes to everything and your first MC is your first. Be patient.

You have right to feel the way you do. For now though, we need to set some of those feelings aside. I understand you want W to know how you feel. You want her to see how much pain this is, you feeling neglected.

You say your need for physical intimacy doesn't need apologizing for. Well, do you know your W love language and have you been filling up her love bucket so that is freely reciprocating? I don't think so, so this goes back to YOUR expectation without looking at your inactions.

What sort of behavioral changes are you making?

This one I had started a list and then it wasn't specific enough. I am more patient. I am more confident. I am not quick tempered. I've been practicing validation with everyone the last 8 months. I am a better listener. I am better at not being passive aggressive. When W says something disrespectful or does something, I act in the moment and say something to address it. And then I move on. My attitude in life has changed. I was more a pessimist and see the error of my ways. I spend ALOT more time with my boys. I am more aware and in the moment. Something that I said could wait for the weekend I don't wait. Who knows if that moment ever comes or not. I am in the present. I live by my morals as a Christian and have re-evaluated how I see things. At work, at home, with friends, I try to empathize and put myself in other people's shoes. I've made effort to wake up with a better mentality. I'm big on if you don't know the answer, you go look for it. Google is your friend. I find peace at being alone. I read a lot more and watch a ton of self help videos. I am not sitting waiting for something to happen. I am moving, working out, doing things.

Between W and I, I don't look at being mister fixer. I don't say this is all her fault or blame her. I lost some of the resentment. I'd rather just know the facts and not let it take me down. There is still some emotion like anger but not the raging beast that was there in the beginning. I am accountable for my own actions and I am humbled. I am learning to live again and I don't like to use the word alpha male but I think about something, make a choice and deal with the consequences. I don't do it for other people or their approval but try to align it with who I am. I'm not trying to be Mister Perfect and at the same time I still want to strive to be a better me. I'm taking back control of who I am. I'm not codependent on W for my happiness. I'm not that needy guy from many months ago, the one that makes me want to throw up thinking about. I lost the fear of losing her, losing control. What makes life exciting is some of the unknown. You either have anxiety from it or excitement. I choose excitement. This is reflective of your outlook on life.

I don't know if all this helps or gives some glimpse or not. I am a work in progress. It's a little over 8 months from BD for me and I know I still have a long way to go. I am patient with myself and take it one day at a time. I still have a hard time sleeping at night but my mind doesn't race about the marriage. I have good sleeps, just not long enough ones.


This is all still so fresh for you, be patient. give yourself time to learn and figure out what to do. Understand that people change, their thoughts and feelings change. What are you doing to help change this in a positive light for yourself and those you care about?