Yes, that's exactly what I meant by 'exiting the highway' smile I think I am going through periods of feeling that I am available and then retreating from it... kinda like you but in a different way wink

I have always said that the heart takes longer to catch up to where you mind is. I see that in your mind you're there, but your heart is still lagging behind. I believe that's normal and I don't cosign to the idea that it should take x number of years to get to a place of equilibrium. I think that time is a vehicle and our hearts drive it with the speed that is comfortable to each of us. I think that the intellectual processing and taking wider perspectives assist in the process, but emotionally we need the process to unfold with a degree of purpose and intentionality.

I think you might benefit from some IC at this point. On an alternative route, have you ever considered going on a silent meditation retreat for a few days? I think that could be immensely helpful. The only insight I have is that whenever I have taken a significant amount of time to just be with my thoughts and emotions without any other sensory input and distractions, it has provided a great deal of clarity.

No one is coming to save you!