My W had requested in an email Saturday night that I gather all of my financials and make a list of our assets and marital items with estimated values so we could decide by the end of the month who keeps what. Of course, she asked to be compensated for anything I keep. So, I’m thinking about how to proceed.
R2C beat me to it but yes, make her do all the work. Does she really think she's in a position to make demands of you to escalate the D? No, that is her problem. I would not say one more word to her about it. If she demands again to know when you will send the list, simply tell her "D is not what I want, if you prefer to pursue it I will not stand in your way. But I will not be doing your work for you on this."
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I’ve been reflecting back on the open marriage confrontation Saturday night and considering the timing. I gathered some intel and on Monday of last week WW’s BFF was at her house to console her because WW and OM2 were fighting. Some of the messages from him stated that “I have her under my thumb” and that she is never available because she is at my place so often with the horse and attending to my needs and pleasing me. It seems OM2 is threatened by me or trying to use me against her and convince her to distance further from me.
It sounds like you are snooping. There's nothing to be gained, you already know she's having an A, that's all you need to know. Don't get caught up in the details and drama, that doesn't matter. You are married to a woman who is living elsewhere and engaging in an A. Anything else is just background noise, right?
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On Saturday morning, she was having her tires rotated and they told her two needed to be replaced due to low tread depth. She immediately called me, blamed me for not replacing all four tires last time, and asked what she should do because she had never taken care of that before. I told her you can do what you want with the tires, that’s your decision.
Good. Time for her to put her big girl panties on.
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Afterwards he wanted to stay with me for a few hours until his baseball game. D4 also wanted to stay, I never asked either of the kids to stay at my place. WW drove off upset and sent a text stating she was upset because her time with the kids was taken away from her.
Again this is the WAS mindset. EVERYTHING is your fault. All things great and small. That's why you have to give her time and space. Leave her alone. Listen and validate, but don't get drawn into fights or discussions. "I understand why that would make you upset, perhaps next time they ask to stay you can tell them it's your turn to have them and they need to go with you."
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“This set up we have right now is no longer working for me. Many have told me that and I refused to listen. But after today I realize you think I am or should still depend on you and bend to your will. That is not the case.”
OK so at times like this where it is 100% blaming and Husband-trashing, don't validate. She's being a bratty wayward and you should reply with either NOTHING or "W, you are disrespecting me and I will not tolerate it, please do not contact me unless it's something specific about the kids. I will not reply to disrespectful texts in the future." Then if at ANY time she sends you something like that again, follow through on your boundary and don't reply.
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A little more intel indicated that her and OM2 were fighting over text just prior to my arrival at her place for the open marriage confrontation. Messages from him stated that she manipulates him, that she looks and talks down to him, doesn’t respect him, etc. He stated that her and I are perfect for each other.
Who gives a crap. Her interactions with OM are her problem. Quit snooping.
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This is also why I’m not necessarily opposed to gathering intel occasionally before making any big moves. It can be very helpful in knowing if the timing is right.
I disagree. Boundaries are about protecting YOU. You set boundaries when YOU need them. Quit snooping.
