Unchien, its hard to let go of what we want. We want to fix it on our timeline because we are the ones hurting. Your W most likely was hurting far longer and somewhere along the line things got too complicated. Maybe you didn't pick up on the signs or didn't think they were real or that important. Maybe your W held it in to keep the peace. So are we going to blame her and say its her fault for holding it in, if that was the case? I had to get used to the idea that my W did not want any help because she felt like I was being controlling, it was because of what I wanted, it was always me, me, me...
You can still be there, be the rock. Don't get caught up in the emotional turmoil. Empathize with your W, you can show her you still care, respect her boundaries and yours and be the man. Sometimes they need to figure it out on their own. We can not save them. If she wants out, you respect her wishes.
Thank you Adam. It is hard to let go. I don't blame her for holding it in. I don't blame her if she is depressed. I don't blame her if she wants to walk away. I don't blame her if what I have done is too much for her and she can never view me the same way again.
I struggle with how to show her I care, but also respect her boundaries. I feel like respecting her at this point is letting her go. Will she interpret this as me giving up? I do try to listen and validate when we talk, which is mostly about the kids and her day. I catch myself thinking about changing the subject, and I stop and listen, and give her eye contact, and ask follow-up questions, and avoid problem-solving.
She has this simmering resentment - this morning I took a video at my son's school and the angle was kind of lousy, and she responded with a passive aggressive message, not directly saying it was a lousy angle, but implying it. It's just another gut punch - it's not as if I TRIED to make a lousy video. I said Sorry. I'm not sure I should have - of course I could have taken a better video, but I tried - and saying Sorry feeds into her resentment.
I'm afraid to give her space. I'm afraid it will be interpreted that I don't care. I'm afraid that she is depressed and I need to reach out and be there in some way for her.
I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid of her resentment and anger. I'm afraid of screwing up, or of accelerating this process, because right now I have the gift of time.
Like so many people here, I came her hoping to "bust" my divorce. But really DB'g is about working on yourself and letting go. The odds are just incredibly low that things turn around for our M. That being said, this is what I need. I've been going to IC and struggling with emotions, and I find the DB techniques much more useful than IC. Just working on focusing on myself, step by step.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I've had months of being teary eyed and crying because I was remorseful and realized what I was doing wrong. I am in the process of correcting my behavior. I am living in the moment, and I embrace the good with the bad.
I'm curious what you did wrong? For a long time I blamed myself 100% for things falling apart. Lately I realize it's 50/50. My need for physical intimacy in our relationship does not require apologizing. My frustration and anger and passive aggressive behavior when we could not work things out does require apologizing. I don't apologize for feeling like W stopped paying attention to me, but I do apologize for my emotional histrionics (like pulling the car over on the side of the road) in reaction.
I understand things I did wrong. I also feel like there is a lot I don't understand. Even in our first go-round in MC, I felt like the things she pointed out (housework especially) were not REALLY the root cause. Because I made honest efforts and things got worse.
I don't know... I'm not 100% to blame. Sometimes I feel angry that some of my needs were ignored too.
What sort of behavioral changes are you making? I struggle to identify concrete steps I can take, because I don't feel like at the moment I do incredibly problematic things.
I am REALLY fighting the urge to reach out to her and say "I'm concerned about you, you seem very sad. I care about you and I'm here for you."
Originally Posted by Adam04
At first I had to gain control of my emotions. I too wanted to work on not being passive aggressive. I remember from months ago when AS told me I was being PA or when Steve told me I wasn't detaching correctly. I remember being at work and using thought stopping a lot to make it through the day. I would wake up and say a little prayer on how I wanted to be and named top things that would not get me down. W was always one of those things I said I would not let get me down. Sometimes they were my own behaviors. Wanting to control the situation became wanting to show W I heard her, and I could understand, although maybe I didn't agree. Some things I would agree on like if she wasn't happy and wanted out, I agreed. I too wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. Not said with malice.
Be patient with yourself, shift more focus on yourself, create short term goals and long term. GAL and live healthy in all aspects. Also, realize there is no magic bullet. Your reality may sink in a little better once you realize there is no magic bullet so you won't go chasing rainbows and unicorns, but do some real work for improvement.
Open mind unchien.
I don't find myself being super PA. I just FEEL like giving distance and space itself is PA. Last night I said, "I'm going to the other room to exercise" and went and did it. Was that PA? It felt like it to me.
I do fight the urge to try to control the situation. Letting go feels like not caring. Or maybe it feels good to be less co-dependent. Maybe I'm in a bad M and for my own health this will be for the best. I don't know. I love my W, but the woman I see is not the W I once knew.
