I live in N.America but I am not originally from here. I moved to pursue further education and then settled here. About marriage - I am not sure that it is a path that I would want to take again. I perfectly content with the idea of having a solid partnership with someone. With BD being way past in the timeline and with the benefit of being further and further away from the 'event', my perspectives have certainly evolved as I am not in a panic state. So much of my journey required me to not only understand my failings in the marriage and as a person, but also forgiving myself for that and recognizing that I did the best I could in my circumstances and context - dealing with depression and trauma and how that impacted my ability to function fully. I certainly wasn't the man that I wanted to be at that point in time and that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage. But if I can take that perspective and have self-compassion, it is incumbent upon me to do the same towards exW. She did the best she could with what she had. The way she approached it with BD was terrible for sure, but I also hurt her over time. So I can't get to blame her for what she did and not see my actions that led to it as well. So I have more compassion towards her now even though what she did caused me pain. I recognize that I also caused her pain. We just hurt each other in different ways. So I am at a place where I don't hold it against her anymore.
About meeting her bf - I thought about it for a while and worked through my emotions before I met him. I was going to take the approach to lay down the law, but I decided against that precisely for the reasons you mentioned. I wasn't insecure about my status as a parent and my relationships with the kids is super solid. I wanted to meet him to get a glimpse of who is going to be around my kids on a regular basis. I didn't lay down any kinds of laws. We just had a pleasant chat and I told him what my priorities are in life when it comes to the kids and what I value. He shared his journey as a parent and a bit about himself. I have seen him on many more occasions and observed and seems to be a good man and a good father. I also felt relieved meeting him because now I knew who was around my kids.
I just want to add that all of this depends on context and where people are in their journey. What I did worked for me and it may not work for someone else. If the bf was an affair partner, this would've been out of the question. I have no place in questioning whether someone would do as I have done because it's really not my place. There is certainly no 'correct' way to go about this. I did what works for me.
On a different note, I've been super busy with work and also been a bit sick and haven't had time to get the D paperwork done. I need to get some stuff notarized and I hope to do it next week and then submit everything. It's really procedural at this point and I just need to make some time to do it.
Life in general is quite good and I am content. Making some moves in my professional career and potentially start some side projects by the end of the year, which is really exciting. Kids are doing great and I am looking forward to some down time this summer and visit family and spend time on the beach
