If you can't beat em, cheat em (thread 2)

[Wanted1]

I agree, but I'm not ready to send them underground yet. First I need to get some things in order, before acting, as hard as it is.

If you know for a fact that she is having an A, why does it matter if you send them underground? If you know, it isn't like them not going underground to continue the A is going to stop it. If she thinks all is hunky dory and you are in the dark about what she's up to, it is going to continue. Just like it is most likely going to continue, underground, after she knows that you know.

If the reason you want to prevent it from going underground is so you can snoop, that's a bad idea. Trust me on this. I didn't take any of the advice about not snooping during the first few months of my sitch and it ate me alive. It consumed me. And I never found anything out that made me feel better. Just assume the worse is going on. I know it is easier said than done. I'm a living example of how hard it is to not snoop, but I'm telling you, nothing good comes from it.

If you want to keep tabs on it, it's only going to make you react on emotions instead of logic. Again, I'm speaking from experience. You need to react and make decisions based on logic and that is impossible with the emotions that will come when you are constantly discovering the nefarious details about the A. What finally got me over the hump was I made a conscious decision to finally drop the rope. It isn't easy at all. If it was, everyone's sitch would be about 1/4th the length of time that they are. The other thing that helped me was I decided that IF I ever did want her back, I would want her to come back to me on her own volition. Not because it is the "easier" choice, or because they know we know or even because it is the right thing to do. We want them to come back because they want to come back. That isn't going to happen overnight. It will take time for them to realize what they want if that ends up being the case. Once the A is out in the open, meaning you let her know that you know, the chances of it dying a natural death are a lot greater than if they just continue to think they are being sneaky their happy romantic rendezvous. That isn't to say it will, just the chances of it ending are probably better.

Don't do what I did. I implore you. Snooping isn't going to make you feel better or improve your sitch. It will only make it worse. I'm the idiot that didn't realize that and didn't follow the advice I was receiving on here in the beginning. Don't be me.

[SteveLW]

Wanted is dead on. Trust me, when she is ready to end it (if she ever is) she will make it clear to you. Once my W moved away from her EAs, her life and everything in it became much more open and transparent. Only those with secrets are secretive.

[oops13]

Basically I need to prepare for what will happen if we divorce. Infidelity has implications on financial results in divorce here. I need to protect myself first. Once that is settled, I can focus on the next steps.

[SoTorn]

If you are planning on proving infidelity in court, I would suggest hiring a PI. Although infidelity does nothing in the courts here, I hired a PI to confirm my WWs affair.

I knew it was happening and like wanted said, it was all consuming to me. Thats all I thought about for months. It hurt me so badly to know she was doing this.

Once I confirmed it did lift a weught off of my shoulders in some sense. Because even though I was apmost sure, I still had doubts and her gaslighting me gave me those doubts. I felt there could be a chance she wasnt cheating and that it was all me.

So when the PI confirmes my suspicions, it allowed me to fully understand that she was wayward and that she was acting like she was because of her A.

I stopped all snooping, started DBing like a madman and eventually got to the point where my focus is only on the kids and I.

The only reason I would agree with you trying to get confirmation is if you are doing it to protect yourself legally and not doing it for any controlling reasons.

You arent going to be able to scare her into stopping. You wouldnt want her to come back to you because she was forced to by threat of a nasty D. So if you go that route just keep all the information and how you got it to yourself until you need it.

[oops13]

Im so tired of the charade myself now. Ready for someone new. I look at her and im almost repulsed. At least the last couple of days. I just want to get my evidence so I can think about other things.

[SteveLW]

Im so tired of the charade myself now. Ready for someone new. I look at her and im almost repulsed. At least the last couple of days. I just want to get my evidence so I can think about other things.

oops, I understand the thrashing. Within a half hour, in the thick of my sitch, I could vacillate between wanting to move on and leave her, to wanting to hold on tight and never let go, to being somewhere in the middle, and even in other states.

My advice, slow down. This is still a marathon not a sprint. One step at a time. If you want to get more evidence, do that. But your next big step is to take control of what you have control of. That means things like taking the MBR (kicking her out of it). Stopping all things like anniversary dinners. Gather your evidence, but be decisive in your actions. But don't put the cart before the horse. Earn your way out of this relationship.

[oops13]

Thanks Steve. You're not lying about the vacillating. Im staying the course. Hopefully evidence is tightened up soon so I can start being bolder.

[neffer]

Then you need to detach so as to start protecting yourself. Remember the marathon...

[oops13]

Still kicking. Holding affection steady and mostly smooth until everything is tightened up. Staying on the 180s, positive attitude, and GAL. My fitness is better than it has been in 15 years. Cant focus at work though.

[neffer]

Keep on detaching. Of course it´s not easy. But you need to.

Keep DB. Stay strong there.