There is a big part of me that just wants my H to leave. Why am I allowing him to stay here, in our home, while his carries on with OW? I must be insane....

I feel like he is sobataging his ability to move out sometimes. Money is tight at the moment because of a big repair to our home which is draining our savings, but if he were to curb his spending habits he could leave. He has never been great with $, but he is certainly spending more than his norm. Most of it is on chewing tobacco and nicotine gum, I think, who knows..... I'm not even sure I care anymore. The point is, if he would tighten his purse strings he would have more than enough $ to go.

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day... I was considering buying a lottery ticket and I began to think about what I would do if I won. Usually I would think about what I would do with my winnings, but my first thought was that I would contact a lawyer, not my H, a lawyer.

Journaling

Last night my grandmother passed away. She was my step-grandmother, but a grandmother figure in my life for over 30 years. She lived a beautiful and long life, well into her 90s. I am sad, but did not want her to suffer any longer. I called my H to tell him as he was on his way home, when he came in he talked about how sad it was. He did not offer a hug, nor was I open to one.

My daughter called soon after and I was on the phone with her for well over an hour. H came and knocked on MBR door later to see what I was doing. I was on my computer and shutting it as he opened the door, he questioned why I jumped up so fast, was I still on the phone? What was I doing? I was not my typical bubbly self, I just simply said, "No, I got off the phone a little while ago. I was finishing up homework and stuff. I have a big day tomorrow, I'm going to bed." He asked about my plans, I gave a quick response and walked into my room, goodnight.

At first, I wanted my H to be by my side during the upcoming services. To feel his arms around me, to feel his support. Now, I'm not so sure. I am angry that he will be socializing with my family while I know he is carrying on with OW. They have no idea, they love him, they will praise him and talk about how wonderful he is. Meanwhile, I know the truth.