Bit blue today. I had a really hard IC session yesterday - we were talking about trust, and where I am on that - not just for my marriage but in life more generally. I have always found it very difficult to trust. I can't say that I ever trusted H completely, and I can acknowledge that a lot of the mistakes I made in my marriage were about either punishing H for not being 100% perfect by my standards, or of trying to 'make' him act in ways so I could feel more trust in him. Of course I have objective reasons - after the deception around the EA - not to feel trusting of him right now - but it goes back much earlier than that.
I guess I am very sad at the reality, which is I have little to no trust in H right now and some days I struggle to trust in myself - my own capacity to take care of myself and make good decisions. Spirituality helps - connecting to something bigger, something that won't let me down - but the challenge that lies ahead is about developing that trust in my own capacities and being able to accept that in a close intimate relationship, there is risk, and no-one is 100% trustworthy and I need to accept that. This isn't really about H - I have excellent reasons not to trust him and that's not likely to change any time soon - but more about my personal development.
I guess I am processing feelings of loss and grief. I did used to feel relatively safe with H and I have no idea how or if I would ever feel that again, with him or anyone else. And yet I know that I need to rely on myself first and foremost, and that most adults who are single or in relationships have to find a way to cope with being let down, in big and small ways, and move on from it in positive ways. Being happy alone or happy in an R will require me to dig deep and find some trust in myself and my own resilience, and it feels like an insurmountable task today.
I also feel a bit lonely. I have friends. But I miss having open and intimate conversations with H and feeling safe to share what is on my mind. I miss being able to tell him what is going on with me and not fear being criticized or attacked for it. All that is gone and has been gone for a long time and right now it's much better and wiser for me to be distant with him - it's what he wants, and it's what is best for me. But it is lonely. I miss that connection with him. I do have close friendships but I don't have an intimate partner and I miss that a lot today.
