Just journalling. The weather is horrid today, I have a mountain of work to do and don't feel very motivated to do it! I'm going to list some positives.
1. My alcohol control is going VERY well, I'm impressed with myself! It helps that drinking too much (especially wine) interferes significantly with my sleep and gives me horrible hot flushes, so whenever I feel like drinking a little bit too much I remind myself how much better life is with better sleep. I can still enjoy a few pints of beer or a cocktail if I'm out somewhere, but my drinking at home is very moderate now, if I fancy a drink I will just buy something small and that's my limit. Last night was the first night for a while when I didn't think 'I would really like a drink right now'. Drinking in the evening had become a bad habit for me, and I'm glad to have broken it at least partially. 2. My emotional control is going ok (subject to hormonal swings, I think I might go to my GP to see if there's anything I can do to help this, because I might have years of this stuff going on yet). I don't feel too on edge when I see H (he might be though judging by his behaviour at the weekend). I don't find myself desperately wondering where he is, what he's up to or who he's with. There's certainly an element of detachment there even if it's only partial. 3. I need to work harder, I still have a lot of deadlines coming up and my focus has slipped a bit since my last one. More consistency needed here 4. My GAL has stalled a little, I haven't seen so much of my friends recently as they have been busy with work. However now the kids are back to school properly I will resume weekly lunch with ds1, I have some social activities planned for the future, and I have this trip to Europe. Trying to balance GAL with all my domestic duties and ferrying kids round and working as much as I can is tricky.
The R talk at the weekend was hurtful and disappointing, every time he mentions D it poisons my feelings towards him a little. If he does it too many more times it will push me over the edge. I think maybe I will try to shut down R talks in future, they are just not very productive. I need some sort of wording for this which doesn't dismiss his feelings but similarly doesn't give him a licence to rant on and on about how awful our M was and what a dreadful W I was and how unhappy he was and how confused he is without taking one bit of responsibility for the MR or his part in it or acknowledging that we have something worth saving and worth making an effort for. Maybe I even need to discuss with him whether this should be a new ground rule. We were supposed to review our ground rules at Christmas but he has refused to do so.
It feels like whenever things warm up a bit between us he shoves back with an R talk. I haven't put any pressure on him for a long time now. I don't ask to see his flat. I don't get victim-y and upset about the situation. I don't give him deadlines or tell him there's a limit to how long I'll wait. I don't talk about the future much unless it's unavoidable. During the R talk he told me to book a nice summer holiday for me and the boys but not to expect him to come. To tell him where we're going and 'maybe' he'll join us. Seriously? Ugh. Maybe we'd prefer not to have him there with that attitude. And I resent being bossed around and told to book a holiday (an expensive one is what he means) when it's actually none of his business. But talk about mixed messages and cake eating. 'I don't want any cake but just bake me one and leave it on the side and MAYBE I might feel like eating some, but probably not'. I don't even enjoy expensive holidays, my favourite holiday is camping.
Anyway, I will stop procrastinating and get some work done
